9 posts tagged “the bible”

It's funny how things just seem to work out perfectly sometimes. I don't know if it's correct or not to say that it's God doing, but often I think that could be appropriate. He really does look after me, in ways that I could never imagine.

For example, earlier this week I was stressing over certain aspects of election, theology, faith, and assurance. Then I just happened to stumble upon this gem of a sermon by J.C. Ryle on an almost equally gem of a blog. I won't really go over it here, because there's nothing more that I could possibly add to Ryle's superb writing style and his insight into faith and assurance. I know that I had had one really long and vague blog post planned, because my thoughts were scatterbrained. But then I read Ryle's sermon, and I really found a selection of his text expressed everything that I've been wanting to say about faith for a while, and in so many less (and more eloquent) words. Take a gander, read the rest, and have a great day everyone!

I believe it ought to be our continual aim and desire to go forward; and our watchword at the beginning of every year should be, “More and more” (1 Thess. iv. 1): more knowledge,-more faith,-more obedience,-more love. If we have brought forth thirty-fold, we should seek to bring forth sixty, and if we have brought forth sixty, we should strive to bring forth a hundred. The will of the Lord is our sanctification, and it ought to be our will too. (Matt. xiii. 23; 1 Thess. iv. 3.) -- J.C. Ryle (1816-1900)

Sometimes, when I worry about loneliness, my homosexuality, and my subsequent self-induced celibacy, I wonder why God has allowed me to suffer so. A reading through the Book of Job over the past few days got rid of that thinking. God is God. He doesn't owe me anything, and I am foolish for being resentful of the situations He has put me in. They are, after all, what makes me the person I am today. And I like that guy. I really do.

I am healthy, I am (more or less) full of hope. In my own respects, I am a teacher and a writer, the two things I have always wanted to be. I have a great family, and a great boyfriend who understands me, and who I can share my faith with. If Job, who was reduced to almost nothing, can still cry out and praise God, what makes it so hard for me to do so sometimes?

I am trying my hardest to trust God more. This is a two-fold mission in a lot of ways. First, I want to trust God with the events of my own life. I want to trust that the situations I have been put in are ones that I can handle, and that He will help me through. My life is rocky a little right now, on several levels. On other levels it is fine. In either case, I have to trust that He will be there for me.

Secondly, I have to trust in my own salvation. It's hard, because Reformed theology (at least in my limited understand of it so far) leaves little room for total assurance. This is good in a way, because it means there is more humility among the Christians who adhere to it (and, hopefully, myself included). A lot of Christians can get it in their heads that their simple statements of faith save them, and that can lead to a lot of arrogance.

So, Calvinists know that the Holy Spirit must be in you and actively working in order to save you, right? The problem is that it's hard to know if that's happening. I stumble and I doubt, and I sometimes wonder if I'm only deluding myself into thinking that God has really saved me, even though I desire Him so badly. Everyone will glorify God in the end, and I rejoice in that. But I can't lie and say that there isn't one side of the schism that I'll want to be on when the end comes. I suppose I have to trust that God is just and beyond my level of thinking, and there are some wonderful friends around to support me in my faith. Disputed Mutability showed me this wonderful sermon by C.H. Spurgeon about the very subject of assurance in hard times. Trust is hard, but it's rewarding, and it comes with time. Patience has never been one of my strong points, but I'm working on it. Welcome to December, everybody!

For starters, any references to "conservative" or "liberal" in this post are not to be taken in a political sense.  They are references to how one sees the Bible and his or her faith.  Granted, often times these Scriptural views do coincide with political views, but not always, and certainly not in my case.  :)

I have often found that in times of stress or temptation, my views on Scripture become more conservative.  Though nothing changes about my beliefs in any major way, I do become more open minded to the prospect of more "literal" interpretations of Scripture.  For example, I'm still of the belief that the Genesis 1 account is metaphorical and that women can be preachers, but I'm reevaluating those beliefs (among others).  I want to see if they truly hold any water, so I'm spending more time with my Bible and other theological writings.

I say this like I have a lot of time.  Do understand that I'm still a Sophomore in college so "more time" probably just translates to an extra fifteen minutes a day or so.  ;-)

I'm also learning more about the Reformed aspect of my faith.  I don't think I've mentioned much about it since my initial post about the shift in my theological views.  Recently, at the long-neglected recommendations of some commenters, I'm reading a lot of sermons by John Piper.  Needless to say, I really like the guy.  I especially like how he treats the subject of homosexuality.  In the sermons I've read (and I haven't read them all), he seems to have a very kind and Christian attitude towards the subject.  Granted, he does use a bit of ex-gay rhetoric, but sometimes that can't be helped.  He does seem to differentiate Christ's version of "change" and our human expectations, and that's a refreshing take.  It is most certainly making me think more about how I view my homosexual desires (mainly just the lust, because I'm beginning to wonder why the desires for emotional intimacy with another man need to be considered homosexual at all).

I think my newfound "conservatism" is due to the fact that I'm in a relationship that could potentially be harmful (but could also potentially be helpful).  Because I am being faced with more temptation nowadays, I'm relying on God and His Word more.  This is a good thing, and might be the reason God allowed the relationship to happen in the first place.  I'll admit I had been getting a little complacent about the whole reading Scripture and praying thing.

Of course, it's probably a stretch to say that a Christian guy with a boyfriend is "conservative," but I don't think my views are liberal, either.  Maybe I'm a mix of both: a Conservaliberal perhaps?  Either way I'm excited about a lot of things going on in my life, and a deeper understanding of my faith and the wonderful mysteries of God's Word is probably up there at the top of the list.

Speaking of Reformed theology, I found a lovely little cartoon on deviantART from the user *spacecoyote depicting John Calvin and Thomas Hobbes playing the part of two similarly-named comic strip characters.  ;-)  I busted out laughing when I saw it the first time.  I couldn't upload it onto Vox, but click the deviantART link and you'll see it.  Have a great day, everyone!

So... I said I wouldn't blog about my relationship with Hitch until there were any interesting developments.  Well, those interesting developments happened.  As of Tuesday, Hitch and I are officially boyfriends.

Okay, now.  Take a breath, drink some water, and come back when you feel you can go on reading.  :)

...

Are you good?  Good.  Let's keep going.  :)

First of all, I want to say that my beliefs haven't changed.  I still view the Bible as I've always viewed it.  It is God's Holy Word that expresses His Will to us mere, often pitiful humans, and it is to be taken very, very seriously.  It does not respond to our every whim and want.  As such, I still view sex between anyone outside of a man and woman united in marriage to be outside of God's Will and, therefore, sinful.  When Hitch asked me to be his boyfriend, I made sure to tell him this.  Granted, I used much more "frilly" language since I knew he did not have the same spiritual background as I did.  Either way, I got the point across that our relationship would not include sex (and a few other things) unless I changed my beliefs... and I told him that was not likely to happen in the near future (and hopefully never).

I had expected him to hit the ground running when I said that.  After all, I know that he does not share many of my Christian beliefs, least of all the beliefs about human sexuality.  But he didn't budge.  He still wanted to be with me.  I didn't know what he meant by that.  I didn't know what he could possibly want from a boyfriend with whom he can't have sex, passionately kiss, and probably won't marry.  But I figured that if he was willing to give all that up for me, how could I really say no?  So I didn't, and here we are.

He's amazing to be around.  Just holding his hand is enough to make my heart flutter, and I've yet to feel anything really sexual about him.  If and when I do, the relationship might have to end.  For now, however, I'm enjoying the companionship while I have it.  I probably won't post too much about it, mainly because finally being in a relationship is showing me just how much I can care for another person, and I don't want to put our personal business out there for the world to see.

At the same time, this blog is my story.  I wanted to let you guys know where I am at right now.  I'm sure some people will see this and be happy that I'm on my way to being "gay-affirming."  My answer to that is that I'm not.  I'm sure others will think that this is a big mistake and that I'm only setting myself up for a world of hurt.  I thought so too, and I told Hitch this.  He said he'd risk it, and so will I.  Others, still, will think that I'm at the top of the "slippery slope" and I'll soon be totally "in the lifestyle."  My only hope is that they trust me to challenge their presumptions like I have in the past.  At the very least, I'm thankful for all the friends (conservative and liberal, Christian and non-Christian alike) who have advised me and supported me in this decision.

Now I'm just excited about doing all that cutesy, mushy stuff that couples get to do.  :)

To get the ball rolling, I'd like to thank everyone for their thoughts and prayers this past week. It really means a lot to me, and if my family knew about this blog, I'm sure it would mean a lot to them, too. The service was beautiful. Though sad, ultimately it felt more like a celebration of a life well-lived, with a slight touch of "We'll see you soon" thrown in. Now I'm just hoping that my grandmother can get back on her feet, even though I know that she'll probably never be the same.

Well, to change the subject, I thought everyone would like to know how "Life to Life" went a week or so ago. I had planned on speaking about this sooner, but of course my family's circumstances got in the way. Now, I think I'm ready to speak about it. To tell the truth, it went easier than I thought it would. Like usual, I had made a bigger deal about it than the other guys did. In fact, I found that in telling my own life story, or even the story of my salvation, I found that my sexuality wasn't what I focused on. I mentioned it, of course, as a struggle that I had been presented with, but I found that there were many other things that I felt were greater struggles, and that I felt God had delivered me from in His grace.

One of the things that I haven't focused on in this blog, because I used to see it as irrelevant, was what a miserable person I was in high school. No, I wasn't sad. Perhaps miserly is more of a word to describe it. I was an isolated person. Yes, I had friends, and they were good friends that I'm very thankful for, but ultimately I was a mean-spirited and vindictive person. I wasn't a bully. I didn't pick fights with people. I think I was something worse. I was a gossiper.

Oh yes, if there was anything sordid going on at my high school, you could be sure that I knew about it or knew enough about it that I could make the rest up and pass it on as "fact." I had no respect for the private lives of others, and in some cases I actually used rumors to hurt others. I was not a nice person, and the fact that I had friends at all was strange to me. But then again, I kind of hung around with the "popular" -- or at least the well-known -- kids at school, and every group of cool kids needs its resident gossip. I'm sad to say that it was me.

Telling the guys in Bible study that part of my life was pretty hard. For one, it's hard to get people to want to trust you when you admit that keeping a secret was once the lowest thing on your priority list. Two, it's just hard admitting what a slimeball I was back then. Sure, I was nice. I worked hard. I played sports. I went to church. But there was this sneaky little part of me that just wanted to cause a stir. It was selfish, and proud, and altogether sinful. And, thank the Lord, I feel that I've been delivered from it.

Honestly, true change for me can be exemplified by the change in my demeanor from high school to college. The gossiping, the petty conflicts that I capitalized on, the squabbles: none of that appeals to me, and to tell the truth it disgusts me. Perhaps back then I was so in the closet that I wanted all rumors to deflect away from me, so I started them myself. Or maybe I was hurting due to the isolation that my sexuality brought on, so I tried to isolate others. Either way, something has been met in me that has stopped my acid tongue. I'm comfortable with who I am. I have friends that I trust and who trust me. Heck, I just found out today that I was nominated to represent my dorm as the nominee for the Snow Ball King later this month (and I haven't anything to wear...) I'm a totally different person now, and I thank God for that.

That, basically, is what I focused on in "Life to Life." It really wasn't the most interesting story. I realize just how lucky I have been compared to some of the other guys. I was raised in a loving Christian home. I had everything I needed or wanted growing up, and now I have a great relationship with Christ and great Christian fellowship. Truly, I can't complain.

P.S. -- Did I tell you guys that I'm headed to New Orleans over Spring Break? I'm in a group that's helping out with Hurricane Katrina relief. I'm so excited! :)

Well, I've told you before about the small group Bible study that I do with one of the Christian organizations on campus. I'm only "out" to two guys in there: the group leader, Austin, and Blake, a close friend of mine who's a punk rock vegan and wears flip-flops in 32 degree weather (not that we've had any 32 degree weather around here, mind you :) Anyway, my time in the closet with them might soon come to an end. You see, over the next few weeks we're going to be doing a program called "Life to Life."

The object of "Life to Life" is basically to tell the other members of the group your life story -- most importantly, the things that have shaped your relationship with Christ over the years. I wouldn't be honest if I left my sexuality out of such as story, especially seeing as I once admitted in this post that my sexuality has probably strengthened my walk in Christ more than any other factor in my life. So, it only makes sense for me to mention it. I agree with Grace who said that honesty, in the long run, is much more fruitful than deceit. Telling the guys more about myself will help them understand me and where I'm coming from, and I think that's a good thing.

Another aspect of "Life to Life" is to talk about the people who have affected your decisions in Christ. I might have to fudge the truth just a little there. Ultimately, it was my family and church community that helped me originally come to Christ, but it was a few bloggers (most notably the ones linked to here, here, and here) that helped me decide to pursue celibacy. Some of the guys might think that's kind of weird. Heck, even I think it's kind of weird sometimes. :)

Talking about celibacy isn't going to be easy either. There's quite a mix of different Christians in my group. Austin, for example, supports my celibacy, but Blake is a liberal Christian who doesn't think that homosexual sex is a sin as long as it's within the context of a committed relationship akin to marriage. In his case, I've shown some cowardice on my part by not really coming forward with my beliefs. I don't think it would ruin our friendship or anything; I just dislike conflict. But I'd rather there be conflict between me and Blake than have him and the rest of the guys start arguing in the middle of "Life to Life." And so we see the problems that total transparency can call forth. :/

How honest would you guys be if you were doing "Life to Life." Would you brush past parts that might be somewhat controversial, or even embarrassing? It's odd. We all have life stories, but when you actually start thinking about them you see just how complicated, awkward, and outstandingly beautiful they are.

You know what? I think too darn much. That seems to have been the main theme of my life these past few days. I've been questioning things--everything from politics to my own personal relationships. I present myself with different points of view--all of which seem to have merit--and knowing that a decision has to be made between the contradictory stances, I become complacent and throw my hands in the air. "I give up!" is the verbal equivalent. I just can't make a decision about what my convictions are sometimes. And so I take non-movement as the best course of action, even when I know it isn't.

Case in point: Today I somehow got myself into an argument (with myself) about Calvinism vs. Wesleyan/Arminian theology. I think someone mentioned the opposing schools of thought in a comment thread somewhere, and so I decided to look them up myself (ain't Google great?). The first thing I came across was an objective, point-by-point comparison of the two. After looking at that, I pretty much figured I was a Wesleyan (no surprise there, really--I was raised Methodist after all).

But I always love hearing opposing sides, so I found a comparison from a Calvinist perspective. That made me pretty confused. For one, it was pretty persuasive. It really does seem like the Bible presents more evidence for a Calvinist theology than an Arminian one. Basically, there are just a lot of verses where God "hardened their hearts" or "gave them over to sin." Those are the verses that I've always had trouble with, and it's a shame that they seem to outnumber the ones that advocate a freedom of will and conscience.

But, despite the persuasiveness of the comparison, I really just don't like Calvinism. It seems totally unfair and downright illogical to think that God put effort into creating human beings and then predestined them to Hell. I mean, "What the...?" God knew us while we were still in the womb, if I'm not mistaken. Saying that He knows whether or not we'll get saved is one thing, but saying that He elects those of us who will go to Heaven is quite another. Plus, there's really no security in Calvinism, is there? I mean, what if you think you believe, but at the end of your life you find that God really didn't elect you, and you were just fooling yourself?

Plus, Calvinism just doesn't sit well for those of us of the homosexual persuasion. It's hard to believe that one of God's elect would have to deal with being gay. And a lot of hyper-Calvinists (like the psychotic Fred Phelps--who doesn't deserve to have any term associated with Christianity attached to his name) use this as an argument as a way to say that gay people are gay because "God gave them over to shameful lusts." And hey, that's in Romans 1, so it has merit. But it just doesn't sound like something a loving God would do.

So, I'm not exactly at a crisis of faith right now, but I am trying to figure out exactly Who God is. There are places in the Bible that don't make Him out to be so pleasant, and I'm trying to reconcile those places with the image of the all-loving, all-knowing, great God that I've known since childhood. It's dangerous territory. A lot of people don't make it out of these questions with their faith intact, but I feel that if I want to have a real, solid faith, then it needs to be challenged. Otherwise, is it not built upon sand?

(Oh, and I found a comparison of Calvinist and Wesleyan theology from a Wesleyan perspective, but I'm too tired to read through all of it just yet. That's the thing I've come to notice about myself. Any rational, persuasive argument usually has the ability to get me second-guessing myself. I don't want to be a flip-flopper, but I need to find my convictions. Pray for me, guys. Things are still going well here regardless).

Well, I went to church this morning. It's been a while since I've been able to get up in time to go, but since I didn't really do anything last night, I was up plenty early. The church I go to down here is an Evangelical Presbyterian church (sounds like a contradiction in terms, doesn't it?) I actually really like it. Growing up Methodist, I'm used to pretty quiet services, so I get very uncomfortable in settings where there's a lot of hand-raising, arm-waving, and "Hallelujahs!" going on. I've never really been moved to worship like that (some would say that's because I'm not in the Spirit enough *rolls eyes*)

Still, I do like some energy in my services, so that's why I like this church I'm going to. It's traditional, but there's some arm-waving and the occasional "Hallelujah!" going on too (just not by me :-) A good balance, in my opinion. Not to mention that the preacher's a very effective speaker and the congregation is very welcoming. I enjoy it, and I can see myself calling this my church home over the coming years.

I especially like my Sunday School class. The church is big enough that they can have a class of just college students, so that's the one I'm in (along with one guy and five other girls). Today they were doing an examination of Mark 8:34-38. I've heard it before, but I've never really thought about it before, and it raised some good questions.

Then he called the crowd to him along with his disciples and said: "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me and for the gospel will save it. What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, yet forfeit his soul? Or what can a man give in exchange for his soul? If anyone is ashamed of me and my words in this adulterous and sinful generation, the Son of Man will be ashamed of him when he comes in his Father's glory with the holy angels.

-- Mark 8:34-38 (NIV)

 

Like I said, it's a verse we all know pretty well, and it seems pretty cut and dry: put Jesus first in your life. Lose your life--that is, the things that your flesh desires--for Christ. Does this mean deny yourself everything that your flesh wants? I've never taken it that way. I want nice clothes, a good-sized home, a cool car, etc. But those things are usually both morally and spiritually neutral. I've always thought that by saying one must lose his or her life, the verse meant one must remove--or at least diligently try to remove--the workings of sin in one's life. If it isn't a sin, it's fine, right? Well, things don't seem to be as cut and dry (to me, at least) when you look at James 4:4-6

You adulterous people, don't you know that friendship with the world is hatred toward God? Anyone who chooses to be a friend of the world becomes an enemy of God. Or do you think Scripture says without reason that the spirit he caused to live in us envies intensely? But he gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says: "God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble."

-- James 4:4-6 (NIV)

 

That verse seems to go along the same lines, but it's a little less forgiving than the first. I mean, love God though I do, I consider myself pretty friendly with the world. I certainly don't hate it. In fact, I think it's a very wonderful world and frankly I enjoy being here. Part of the reason I am so reverent to God is because I know that he Created this world. As C.S. Lewis said, he filled it full of pleasures: things we could do all day long without Him minding in the least (it's in Screwtape Letters somewhere; I'd quote it directly, but I'm letting a friend borrow it right now). So yes, I consider myself a friend of the world. It's God's world after all; and it's all I know.

But then again, I'm probably just taking the verse too literally. After all, with the first verse, I didn't actually think that God expected us to literally lose our lives to follow Him. How does one lose a life, anyway? You can't exactly misplace it ;-) I interpreted life to mean selfish desires--i.e. sins. And basically I decided that God means for us to put Him first, others second, and ourselves at a very distant third. I guess this verse is the same way. One doesn't have to hate the world; one just has to realize that God is the world's Maker, and thus He deserves the praise for it. That's my interpretation of those verses, put into words the best I could (which isn't very well, mind you). What do you guys think? Anything I kind of missed out on? The tricky thing about the Bible is that even the simplest verses can be so open to interpretation. Makes you wonder how God thought it possible that we'd all come to the same conclusion.

In Him,
Jay