8 posts tagged “personality”

Yes, the title is from a Macy Gray album (which contains these two amazing songs, among others, so give it a listen).

After several days of working on final papers and one heckuva portfolio, I've had a lot of downtime today. I've basically been enjoying the quiet time, listening to music, reading, and reflecting. Specifically, I've been thinking of the challenges and rewards that face those who try to be completely authentic (or as close to being completely authentic as can be achieved). "Authentic" is a bit of a weighted term, though. I guess what I mean to say is that it is a challenge to truly be yourself, especially in a society that is catering more and more often to the group than to the individual. This post basically follows the same theme of my previous posts about individuality and fitting in, but those were mostly about society's faults in accepting the individual. This is more or less about the individual's choices in being him or herself.

First of all, we have to understand what is meant when people say they are "being themselves." What is authenticity? What kind of people do we think of when we think of the most authentic people we know? Obviously, giving in to every elemental desire is not "being yourself," because convictions and inhibitions are also part of who you are. Also, saying every thing that pops into your mind is not necessarily being authentic, either. Sure, you may be honest, but honesty doesn't exactly have to equal rudeness (this is something I struggle with, by the way).

I personally believe that one of the defining characteristics of a true individual is a disregard for the thoughts and opinions of others. I don't mean a disregard for their feelings, nor do I endorse not listening to logical, thought-out opinions even if they contrast your own. What I mean to say is that if the thoughts and opinions of others influence your behavior in a major way on the sole basis that they are the thoughts and opinions of others (and not because you believe them to be true on your own), then you are lacking authenticity. I think this, personally, is the only way to live and be content. The only One whose opinion I hold as an influence is God. Of course, I am also influenced by people who are also followers of Christ and who care about me spiritually, but even with them I have to make sure that my own understanding of God (if it is Biblical) takes precedence, lest I do things for the wrong reasons. Those wrong reasons could be anything, from wanting to fit in to wanting to appear more different than I actually am. If you change who you are for the approval of people, you are making people into an idol.

But of course, I'm making this sound easy, and it's not. There are many challenges to being an unapologetic individual. One of them is, of course, that you won't fit in as neatly as everyone else, and might even get envious of people who do. But more than that, the temptation to want to hide who you are will also come, and it's hard to deal with. There are definite times when I've felt I should "tone it down" or perhaps not say my opinion just to make conversation go more smoothly. But what's the point of smooth conversation if you can't speak your mind? What's the point of toning it down if you best represent yourself by tuning it way, way up? Maybe I'm sounding a little extreme here, but I'm just starting to realize that being disingenuous really doesn't have any perks. Yeah, life is easier when you don't have to deal with weird looks and arguments and awkward situations, but at least that kind of life is honest. People may not like you if you are who you are, and that can be especially painful when they are people that you wish liked you. I suppose in the end it just takes confidence, and this is where a relationship with God really comes in.

If you know that there is a powerful, loving, merciful, perfect God who loves you just the way you are -- with all your personality quirks, struggles, ideas, feelings, and (most importantly) faith in Him, then how can you hide that person? Wear it on your sleeve -- all of it! Be careful, of course, to not put yourself in harm's way (at the same time, remember that they can only hurt your flesh), but don't avoid subjects -- be they trivial or important -- just because you might be the odd one out. This life only happens once. We are to be lights to the world and represent what God has done in our lives, and keep our focus on eternity when we will finally get the chance to completely be the creations God intended us to be. But how can we represent God and His work if we can't even represent who we are for fear of what others think?

There is a lot of trouble with being myself, and I pray I don't become too arrogant while standing up to that trouble, but I am happy to face that trouble for the rest of my life. If I am true to God and myself, then nothing else matters. This should conclude my posts on individuality for the time being. :-)

Peace, everyone (and yes, that's a picture of me. Can't quite get to the point of showing my whole face online, but at least I'm being myself). :-)

Easter Break 030

As a warning, this blog post is coming straight from my Journal (you know, the one I don't post online). As such, it is a little stream-of-consciousness and perhaps even incoherent at points. If you can get it, then good for you. If not, have a nice day. :)

It's strange, but sometimes I feel like my personality is shaped more by who I want to be (or who I think I am) and who I actually am. Does that make sense? When I was in high school, I saw myself as this big intellectual. I suppose I was when compared to a lot of my classmates, but when I came to college I realized that I really am not that smart.

So, I had to forge a new identity. I didn't know who I wanted to be but I knew that I did not want to be the guy who thought he was an intellectual when he really wasn't. So, I tried to find who I was. I had average intelligence, modest looks, and a slightly loud and obnoxious streak in my personality.

But did I really? Okay, so I'm not as smart when it comes to politics, philosophy, and theology as I previously hoped, but I do think I have a knack for understanding people. I may not be a model, but at least Hitch things I'm attractive. I know I'm not the quiet type, but am I really obnoxious? I certainly don't have a problem with saying what I think, but something is wrong with telling yourself that you are a certain way, because then that is what you become.

I guess it all comes down to finding the parts of our personality that need changing, while at the same time having the wisdom to know the parts that cannot (and should not) change.

Okay, I've decided that until more interesting stuff develops in my relationship with Hitch, I'm not going to blog about it, just because you probably don't want to hear all the confusing details of my scatterbrained thoughts on the issue. What I will blog about, though, is how certain friends are being great right now, just by taking the time to listen to the ramblings going on in my head.

Only a few people (in the so-called real world) know of my decision to remain celibate and my conservative interpretation of the Bible's passages on homosexuality. When Hitch first asked me out on a date, I went to four of these friends for advice. Two were girls, two were guys, two were conservative, two were liberal, and all were Christian. As expected, I got a variety of views, but the one piece of advice that they all agreed on was, "Be honest." It was good advice, because that's exactly what I aim to be.

One of the friends I went to was a guy from my Bible study named Austin. He's a really cool guy. He's very trustworthy and a natural leader, and it was the aura of trust around him that made him one of the first people I came out to when I got to college. Granted, we're not really good friends. We don't have anything in common except for our love of Christ. He's definitely a big, tough guy while I, of course, have admitted to having a little more "sugar in my step." ;-)

Nevertheless, it's easy to talk to him, and he's a great listener. I told him of my concerns, and he asked many questions about what I was looking for in the relationship, what I believed in terms of God's plan for human sexuality, and how I expected to go about reconciling the two. He's conservative and agrees with most of my choices, and he said that I could trust that he wouldn't tell anyone else in the Bible study. My response was that I didn't care who he told.

I have no shame in my struggles, nor do I have shame in my orientation. If my story can help end some of the bigotry and prejudice that, unfortunately, abounds in Evangelical circles, then I don't care if it's shouted from the rooftops. Of course, whenever I express this, I'm always warned that I should be "careful" when it comes to who I talk to. I don't think that should happen. I hold transparency in the highest esteem, and I think it's a shame that most Christians don't.

How can we really share our struggles and the joys that God has blessed us with if we're only advised to "get personal" with one or two people? Can't I be personal with everyone? Can't I tell someone exactly what's going on in my life, even if I don't know them that well? To me, the very bond of being a Christian should mean that there will be automatic trust, concern, and a lack of judgment whenever I share something with other believers. It's a shame that other people don't expect this.

When I'm in some Christian circles, I just get the feeling that everyone is plastic. Sure, they have struggles. But they don't share them. They might have one or two people whom they trust, but otherwise there's this veneer of happiness and joy. No one wears their emotions on their sleeves. That, or they genuinely are that happy all the time. I don't buy that.

Being transparent is hard. There is, of course, a balance that must be found between being open and being polite and appropriate. But some people take politeness to the extreme, to the point where they just seem too perfect. It's almost intimidating. Personally, I've always worn my emotions on my sleeve. I can't really hide or back down or pretend that I'm someone I'm not. If I can be myself around God, why can't I be myself around His Christians? Yes, I understand that lacking an "outer shell" makes my personality seem unstable. I know that in this blog alone I've described myself as shy, ambitious, energetic, mellow, ditsy, and intellectual. It just depends on how I feel at the time. But at least those things are mine, and not something that I've had to build.

What are your thoughts on transparency? How open should we be with other Christians? For bloggers, how open should we be on our blogs? Sometimes I get concerned that I share too much here, but it is an easy place to be oneself. Hope everyone is blessed, and apologies for the rambling, spastic tone of the post. It's a Thursday. :)

I was talking to Amanda the other day and the subject of innocence was brought up. Specifically, I wondered how to balance the childlike innocence that I am called to as a Christian while not being blind to this world's troubles and the issues that I have to face everyday. Though this sounds slightly ironic, I think that innocence is something that Christians should take seriously. Jesus said it best in Matthew 19:14.

14Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these." (New International Version)

If the kingdom of heaven belongs to those who are like children, what does being childlike mean? When I ask that question of myself, the answer I usually get is "innocent" or "pure." I also think of being open-minded, trusting, forgiving, and kind. Before you start, yes I am around kids a lot and I know they aren't always those things, but let's give 'em the benefit of the doubt and blame society for a moment, 'kay?

We are told by society that we need to be tough. We are told that people are out there solely to pull one over on us and that the only people we can trust our ourselves. We are told that the world is a scary, cruel, and dangerous place where we must always be on our guard. When we believe this (and most of us do), we lose our innocence. We lose a wonderful childlike gift, which is to see the world as benevolent. We become tough, selfish, proud people who see ourselves at the center of the world, and thus we create the scary, cruel, and dangerous world that we were warned about.

I am told by some people that I am tough; in fact I like to think of myself that way. But I don't think my toughness is a defense mechanism. It's more of a decision to be completely open and impervious to the opinions of others. I think openness is part of innocence, too. Childlike frankness may make people think you're strange, but a freer way of living I've never known. It's so much easier to love Christ when you aren't concerned about what others think of you.

At the same time, I can't knock being an adult. Even in my openness, I have to be concerned about the feelings of others (feelings and opinions are two different animals.) I have to realize that they may not be as comfortable with certain subjects as I am. I have to be humble, and think of them as better than myself (oh how hard that command is, and to think it's Biblical!) Those are the kind of things that children don't understand, but I still think they require a lot of innocence. I've never met someone who I could think of as both "innocent" and "arrogant." This is hard for me, because I have many moments where I realize I'm one heck of an arrogant son of a gun.

So, there is the situation. To be innocent is to be pure of heart, kind, forgiving, and most importantly, open. At the same time, being open and blunt can give you the reputation of being arrogant. How do you balance the two?

Like I said, innocence can also be hindered by the fact that there is evil in the world and we do have to watch out for ourselves. But I'll leave that for the comments. Any ideas, anyone?

Sorry about the blog silence. This past week was crazy. I was not at home at all and I did not have access to a computer. Period. I tell you, you really don't know what you got till it's gone. Here's what was going on.

The scholarship program that is paying most of my college expenses requires that all rising Sophomores take a bus tour of the great state of North Carolina. Each night the 500 scholarship recipients from fourteen NC colleges stay at dorms on a different college campus, and then they tour local school systems (it's a teaching scholarship). Over the week I was at five college campuses, located in areas ranging from the mountains to the coast. I had to wear a suit every day (it was stressed that I could possibly be meeting future employers, and I actually did tour a high school that I fell in love with an might consider once I graduate), but after I arrived at the "college of the day" I got to take off the dress clothes and mingle with the various other students.

While many of the other kids from my school stuck together, I decided to find new friends from other schools. We were encouraged to "network," after all, and if I may say I think I'm pretty good at networking. ;) I enjoy the thrill of meeting new people. I like to talk, I like to listen, I like to interact. I guess I'm a social butterfly. Sometimes I can be quite an awkward butterfly, though. I can rush into social situations and come off "too strong." But oh well, I enjoy it. Reservations never did anybody any good.

Presentation, however, is important, and that's what I want to talk about today. Now there's the standard version of presentation: combed hair, nice clothes, smile, firm handshake, proper English, etc. I can do that easily. I hate it sometimes (mostly the hair and clothes thing; I hate dressing up), but nonetheless I can do it. But then there's Godly presentation. I think it's something that a lot of Christians worry about. Namely, do we always present ourselves in a way that brings glory to God and is good in His sight?

I don't think I did this past week. The trip was like a social pressure-cooker. Out of 500 college-aged kids, I knew about 30, and I only saw about five on a regular basis. I can't tell you how many introductions, how many presentations, I made. Some were good, but some I could have done better on. For example, my usual rule of not calling myself "gay" unless I have time to explain the details went out the window, and pretty early. I had time to mention that I was a conservative and a Christian (and even a Calvinist), but I found the Side B stuff was too cumbersome and controversial to mention. After all, the kids that I usually find myself "clicking" with are of the more liberal/artistic stripe. It leads to awkwardness among friends back home, so among strangers I was less inclined to share it.

I suppose I'm just wondering how to be a better witness. Presenting yourself as a Christian is important, and sometimes it can be hard. I met a very handsome gay student over the week, and (almost instinctively) I turned on my "charm." I'll make a note that he was the one who made it a point to introduce himself to me (how he heard I was gay is still a question. Either someone else told him or his "gaydar" really is that good). But either way, until I found out he had a boyfriend back home, I presented myself as an available gay student.

I think I did it because it was a "safe" situation. He goes to another school, we were only going to see each other for a few more days, and flirting with him was fun. I mean, I just turned 19. I'm young, I'm moderately good looking (those who have seen complete pictures of me can debate the truth of that), and looking back, the extent of our "flirting" was playing Ultimate Frisbee and sitting next to each other during a group conversation in someone's dorm room. That and a hug. Maybe it wasn't even flirting at all. Maybe it was just two similar people coming together in a very random social situation.

I am proud of one way I presented myself, though. When the guy in question started talking about his opposition to religion (not uncommon among gay men), I spoke up about my beliefs. Not my Side B beliefs, mind you, but I did say that I was a Christian, that I was devout, and I think I sad something along the lines of "we're not all bad." Maybe it will amount to something. I hope it does. Anyway, he said we'd keep in touch. I doubt anything more will happen between us, but I am concerned about how I'm going to present myself to future gay men who might take an interest in me.

How far do I let the relationship go before I shut it down? How do I become friends with them when our ideologies are going to be very different? How do I witness to them without driving them away? When it comes to gay and lesbian friends, how can I be anything other than happy for them when they get boyfriends or girlfriends? I mean, I know the pain that the mere prospect of lifelong celibacy can cause. How can I rightfully ask it of anyone else? Am I even required to? I've always said that my Side B ethics are "personal." I don't ask it of anyone else, but I do ask people to examine the Bible and what they feel God is calling them to do. Because it is a calling, just as salvation is a calling. But like salvation, after you've answered the call, there are a lot of little nasty details to work out. I guess I better get started. It's not all about presentation anymore. This has to come from within me.

On a side note, I would like to ask for prayers for a friend of mine. She and her mother are going through financial difficulty. Her mother is working two low-paying jobs in order to help put her through community college. She barely has enough money to fix the car that she needs to get to class. She's not a strong Christian (she hasn't been to church in years), but she's an amazing person and I want the best for her. Pray that she'll be able to make it to school, get good grades, and forge a better life for herself. Pray that for the millions of people in similar situations.

To get the ball rolling, I'd like to thank everyone for their thoughts and prayers this past week. It really means a lot to me, and if my family knew about this blog, I'm sure it would mean a lot to them, too. The service was beautiful. Though sad, ultimately it felt more like a celebration of a life well-lived, with a slight touch of "We'll see you soon" thrown in. Now I'm just hoping that my grandmother can get back on her feet, even though I know that she'll probably never be the same.

Well, to change the subject, I thought everyone would like to know how "Life to Life" went a week or so ago. I had planned on speaking about this sooner, but of course my family's circumstances got in the way. Now, I think I'm ready to speak about it. To tell the truth, it went easier than I thought it would. Like usual, I had made a bigger deal about it than the other guys did. In fact, I found that in telling my own life story, or even the story of my salvation, I found that my sexuality wasn't what I focused on. I mentioned it, of course, as a struggle that I had been presented with, but I found that there were many other things that I felt were greater struggles, and that I felt God had delivered me from in His grace.

One of the things that I haven't focused on in this blog, because I used to see it as irrelevant, was what a miserable person I was in high school. No, I wasn't sad. Perhaps miserly is more of a word to describe it. I was an isolated person. Yes, I had friends, and they were good friends that I'm very thankful for, but ultimately I was a mean-spirited and vindictive person. I wasn't a bully. I didn't pick fights with people. I think I was something worse. I was a gossiper.

Oh yes, if there was anything sordid going on at my high school, you could be sure that I knew about it or knew enough about it that I could make the rest up and pass it on as "fact." I had no respect for the private lives of others, and in some cases I actually used rumors to hurt others. I was not a nice person, and the fact that I had friends at all was strange to me. But then again, I kind of hung around with the "popular" -- or at least the well-known -- kids at school, and every group of cool kids needs its resident gossip. I'm sad to say that it was me.

Telling the guys in Bible study that part of my life was pretty hard. For one, it's hard to get people to want to trust you when you admit that keeping a secret was once the lowest thing on your priority list. Two, it's just hard admitting what a slimeball I was back then. Sure, I was nice. I worked hard. I played sports. I went to church. But there was this sneaky little part of me that just wanted to cause a stir. It was selfish, and proud, and altogether sinful. And, thank the Lord, I feel that I've been delivered from it.

Honestly, true change for me can be exemplified by the change in my demeanor from high school to college. The gossiping, the petty conflicts that I capitalized on, the squabbles: none of that appeals to me, and to tell the truth it disgusts me. Perhaps back then I was so in the closet that I wanted all rumors to deflect away from me, so I started them myself. Or maybe I was hurting due to the isolation that my sexuality brought on, so I tried to isolate others. Either way, something has been met in me that has stopped my acid tongue. I'm comfortable with who I am. I have friends that I trust and who trust me. Heck, I just found out today that I was nominated to represent my dorm as the nominee for the Snow Ball King later this month (and I haven't anything to wear...) I'm a totally different person now, and I thank God for that.

That, basically, is what I focused on in "Life to Life." It really wasn't the most interesting story. I realize just how lucky I have been compared to some of the other guys. I was raised in a loving Christian home. I had everything I needed or wanted growing up, and now I have a great relationship with Christ and great Christian fellowship. Truly, I can't complain.

P.S. -- Did I tell you guys that I'm headed to New Orleans over Spring Break? I'm in a group that's helping out with Hurricane Katrina relief. I'm so excited! :)

Well, I've told you before about the small group Bible study that I do with one of the Christian organizations on campus. I'm only "out" to two guys in there: the group leader, Austin, and Blake, a close friend of mine who's a punk rock vegan and wears flip-flops in 32 degree weather (not that we've had any 32 degree weather around here, mind you :) Anyway, my time in the closet with them might soon come to an end. You see, over the next few weeks we're going to be doing a program called "Life to Life."

The object of "Life to Life" is basically to tell the other members of the group your life story -- most importantly, the things that have shaped your relationship with Christ over the years. I wouldn't be honest if I left my sexuality out of such as story, especially seeing as I once admitted in this post that my sexuality has probably strengthened my walk in Christ more than any other factor in my life. So, it only makes sense for me to mention it. I agree with Grace who said that honesty, in the long run, is much more fruitful than deceit. Telling the guys more about myself will help them understand me and where I'm coming from, and I think that's a good thing.

Another aspect of "Life to Life" is to talk about the people who have affected your decisions in Christ. I might have to fudge the truth just a little there. Ultimately, it was my family and church community that helped me originally come to Christ, but it was a few bloggers (most notably the ones linked to here, here, and here) that helped me decide to pursue celibacy. Some of the guys might think that's kind of weird. Heck, even I think it's kind of weird sometimes. :)

Talking about celibacy isn't going to be easy either. There's quite a mix of different Christians in my group. Austin, for example, supports my celibacy, but Blake is a liberal Christian who doesn't think that homosexual sex is a sin as long as it's within the context of a committed relationship akin to marriage. In his case, I've shown some cowardice on my part by not really coming forward with my beliefs. I don't think it would ruin our friendship or anything; I just dislike conflict. But I'd rather there be conflict between me and Blake than have him and the rest of the guys start arguing in the middle of "Life to Life." And so we see the problems that total transparency can call forth. :/

How honest would you guys be if you were doing "Life to Life." Would you brush past parts that might be somewhat controversial, or even embarrassing? It's odd. We all have life stories, but when you actually start thinking about them you see just how complicated, awkward, and outstandingly beautiful they are.

While bumming around the blogosphere today (man, I need a hobby!), I came across this personality test, which claims to be based on Carl Jung and analytical psychology. Like I said, I had nothing better to do, so I decided to have a go at it. I usually dislike personality tests, because 1: They never seem to fit me, and 2: I don't see how they could fit me, since my answers are usually based on my current mood, and not the long-term observation that the most truthful answers would require. But the results of this test actually seemed to fit me rather well (not that I particularly like everything they said, but they seem accurate). According to them, I am an "Introverted Sensing Thinking Judging" personality type, also known as an "Inspector." Here are some quotes from the results that stood out:

"As do other Introverted Thinkers, ISTJs often give the initial impression of being aloof and perhaps somewhat cold. Effusive expression of emotional warmth is not something that ISTJs do without considerable energy loss." -- Though I've said before on this blog that I'm "upbeat," this description actually sounds more like me. I mean, I'm an optimist and I'm usually more-or-less happy, but I'm not visibly happy (I get the "Is something wrong?" question a lot, even though nothing usually is) I wouldn't say that I'm "cold," but I'm definitely not one to be easily excited, and it does take me a lot to express emotion.

"ISTJs are easily frustrated by the inconsistencies of others, especially when the second parties don't keep their commitments. But they usually keep their feelings to themselves unless they are asked. And when asked, they don't mince words. Truth wins out over tact." -- Sounds about right. ;-)

"SJ orientation draws the ISTJ into the service of established institutions. Home, social clubs, government, schools, the military, churches -- these are the bastions of the SJ. "We've always done it this way" is often reason enough for many ISTJs. " -- Well, they put schools in there, and I want to be a teacher, so...

And then they give a list of "Famous ISTJs," which includes George Washington, Herbert Hoover, and Christ's disciple, Thomas (which begs the question -- how did any of them take this personality test?) I'm flattered that one of the disciples is my personality type, though. :-) There are also some "Fictional ISTJs," like Eeyore from "Winnie the Pooh" (he was always my favorite), and Fred Mertz from "I Love Lucy." So what about you guys? Anyone feel like taking this test and seeing their personality type?