10 posts tagged “me”

Hey everyone! Sorry I haven't updated this thing in a while. I think I mentioned this in an earlier post, but I'm currently working at a cool summer program at a university in North Carolina. It's really, really awesome. The kids (well, I guess they're teens) arrived yesterday and settled into the dormitory. This is a slightly different experience from the summer camp work that I did last summer. There isn't as much constant activity going on: no canoes or sailboats or archery lessons. Instead, the students have a lot of free time in which they can just hang out, and I have to admit I really enjoy hanging out with them.

There is a bit of an egotistical involved with working with kids. I almost forget what it was like to be in junior high, but I know for a fact that that's an age where every kid wants to be older. High school students are, by default, the coolest thing ever, and if that scale continues, then college students like myself must get a ton of bonus cool points. It's nice to know that you're being looked up to just because of something like your age, but then again that only lasts for so long. I'm going to have my group of guys for three weeks, and in that time I need to show them that I'm someone to be respected, but not necessarily befriended (that's the tricky part about working with kids, in that they really need to be bonding with their peers, not you).

Junior high and high school are also a tricky age, because even though you want to show yourself as superior to your students, they very well may be better at you in certain things. For example, I am wretched at basketball (or any kind of activity that requires excessive amounts of coordination, like good dancing). Still, my guys wanted to play. I couldn't say no, of course, so we played. And I got stomped. Hard.

But I shrugged it off. I couldn't apologize for it or make an excuse; I'm just not a big fan of basketball, and I assured them that even though they might win on the court, if we went to the cross country course there would be a different outcome. :) The point is, I at least showed them I was interested in what they were doing and wanted to bond with them. I think it's important for any person working with kids to own their faults (and even be confident in them). Laughing off your ineptitude is the best way to do things, I think. If you make it a joke; it's not embarrassing anymore, it's just another one of your personality quirks. And you don't lose any respect points.

I think this could be said about life in general. It's important to own your weaknesses. You don't really have to be proud of them, but just don't let them get to you. We all have our own strengths, interests, and weaknesses, and that's what makes us unique individuals. I guy who doesn't care for sports is still a guy, and I think he is just as capable of earning the respect of other guys. In fact, I know he's capable, because I fit that bill pretty well. :)

Anyway, this post kind of rambled because I'm tired, but I wanted to post something. I'll try to keep this updated as the summer goes on but I'm not quite sure how much time I'll have. In either case, I hope everyone is doing well! Later!

Yes, the title is from a Macy Gray album (which contains these two amazing songs, among others, so give it a listen).

After several days of working on final papers and one heckuva portfolio, I've had a lot of downtime today. I've basically been enjoying the quiet time, listening to music, reading, and reflecting. Specifically, I've been thinking of the challenges and rewards that face those who try to be completely authentic (or as close to being completely authentic as can be achieved). "Authentic" is a bit of a weighted term, though. I guess what I mean to say is that it is a challenge to truly be yourself, especially in a society that is catering more and more often to the group than to the individual. This post basically follows the same theme of my previous posts about individuality and fitting in, but those were mostly about society's faults in accepting the individual. This is more or less about the individual's choices in being him or herself.

First of all, we have to understand what is meant when people say they are "being themselves." What is authenticity? What kind of people do we think of when we think of the most authentic people we know? Obviously, giving in to every elemental desire is not "being yourself," because convictions and inhibitions are also part of who you are. Also, saying every thing that pops into your mind is not necessarily being authentic, either. Sure, you may be honest, but honesty doesn't exactly have to equal rudeness (this is something I struggle with, by the way).

I personally believe that one of the defining characteristics of a true individual is a disregard for the thoughts and opinions of others. I don't mean a disregard for their feelings, nor do I endorse not listening to logical, thought-out opinions even if they contrast your own. What I mean to say is that if the thoughts and opinions of others influence your behavior in a major way on the sole basis that they are the thoughts and opinions of others (and not because you believe them to be true on your own), then you are lacking authenticity. I think this, personally, is the only way to live and be content. The only One whose opinion I hold as an influence is God. Of course, I am also influenced by people who are also followers of Christ and who care about me spiritually, but even with them I have to make sure that my own understanding of God (if it is Biblical) takes precedence, lest I do things for the wrong reasons. Those wrong reasons could be anything, from wanting to fit in to wanting to appear more different than I actually am. If you change who you are for the approval of people, you are making people into an idol.

But of course, I'm making this sound easy, and it's not. There are many challenges to being an unapologetic individual. One of them is, of course, that you won't fit in as neatly as everyone else, and might even get envious of people who do. But more than that, the temptation to want to hide who you are will also come, and it's hard to deal with. There are definite times when I've felt I should "tone it down" or perhaps not say my opinion just to make conversation go more smoothly. But what's the point of smooth conversation if you can't speak your mind? What's the point of toning it down if you best represent yourself by tuning it way, way up? Maybe I'm sounding a little extreme here, but I'm just starting to realize that being disingenuous really doesn't have any perks. Yeah, life is easier when you don't have to deal with weird looks and arguments and awkward situations, but at least that kind of life is honest. People may not like you if you are who you are, and that can be especially painful when they are people that you wish liked you. I suppose in the end it just takes confidence, and this is where a relationship with God really comes in.

If you know that there is a powerful, loving, merciful, perfect God who loves you just the way you are -- with all your personality quirks, struggles, ideas, feelings, and (most importantly) faith in Him, then how can you hide that person? Wear it on your sleeve -- all of it! Be careful, of course, to not put yourself in harm's way (at the same time, remember that they can only hurt your flesh), but don't avoid subjects -- be they trivial or important -- just because you might be the odd one out. This life only happens once. We are to be lights to the world and represent what God has done in our lives, and keep our focus on eternity when we will finally get the chance to completely be the creations God intended us to be. But how can we represent God and His work if we can't even represent who we are for fear of what others think?

There is a lot of trouble with being myself, and I pray I don't become too arrogant while standing up to that trouble, but I am happy to face that trouble for the rest of my life. If I am true to God and myself, then nothing else matters. This should conclude my posts on individuality for the time being. :-)

Peace, everyone (and yes, that's a picture of me. Can't quite get to the point of showing my whole face online, but at least I'm being myself). :-)

Easter Break 030

There are many things I enjoy about the generation I am a part of. It is more open-minded, more willing to accept change and those of different viewpoints, more engaging, more creative, more confident, and more diverse. I know many older Christians fear for the young people of this generation, and I will be the first to admit that my age group certainly has its problems. However, when I think about the young devout Christians I know and love, I have the overwhelming sense that when these Christians grow up and start becoming leaders in the Church, the Church is going to rock more than ever before.

At the same time, there is something about my generation that I do not like at all. When I think about it, it is really hard to be an individual nowadays. Sure, we all have our Facebook pages and our blogs, listing every detail of our personal lives and our likes and dislikes. We all know how to dress in the way that best "expresses ourselves." We all have different play lists on our iPods and have neurotic personality quirks that we share with the whole world through a variety of means (for example, it's common knowledge amongst my friends that I don't drink coffee, but still have a fondness for coffee shops). All of this, however, really doesn't mean anything. These individual characteristics that we think make us special are often used to simply categorize and compartmentalize us, and that makes it hard to really have some individuality.

This constant desire to label everything and make it all "nice and neat" is something that really drives me crazy about my generation. I know we often blame stereotypes and bigotry on older generations, but it's not really the case. Just check out any Facebook group: "You might be Cuban if...," "You might be a lesbian if...," "You might be from Boise if...," "You might be a Methodist if...," etc. Then watch all the stereotypes roll. I know it's all done in fun, and sometimes those groups are really funny, but at the same time I think they're indicative of a generation that is fine with individual differences as long as those differences fit within a specific range.

I guess what I'm getting at here is that it's hard to fit in when you live a bit on the fringe like I do. There are no Facebook groups for "guys who are celibate and deal with homosexual attraction although they have reservations about labeling themselves as 'gay' even thought they usually do it for clarity's sake anyway." There are no denominations for "Calvinists who still like the traditions of the United Methodist Church and have an affinity for Catholic Mass as well." There's no ethnic community that describes an "Irish-French-German-English man who might be part American Indian, has an Southern accent with a hint of Outer Banks brogue and speaks in Spanish to his brother." Yet those are things that I am (and before you ask, I don't really speak Spanish well. I wish I could take more courses but my majors don't really allow it).

At the same time, I think a lot of the people who do label themselves are just as unique and don't fit into their labels as neatly as everyone else (or perhaps they themselves) would like them to. It's just strange then, to me, for them to keep the label at all. I've just gotten to a point in my life where I want to be an individual, not a statistic or a label. I don't want to be treated as a demographic, but as a person. That's why I hate it when people like Sally Kern speak out against "homosexuals." They aren't taking people like me into account. Heck, they aren't taking anyone into account except for the promiscuous, unhealthy, depressed people who fit into their statistics and what they think it means to be "gay." Don't worry, I get equally mad when some liberal hotshot starts talking trash about "Christians," all the while revealing how few he or she has actually met.

So I guess it's just a choice to make. I can either not label myself at all and really not fit in with anyone, or I can label myself but make sure I list all the reasons I might challenge people's perceptions of what it means to be gay, Christian, a Southerner, an artist, a writer, a student, etc. It's confusing and it's a little tiresome, and I guess the only real thing I've said in this post about being an individual is that, well, it's not easy. Take care, everyone!

As a warning, this blog post is coming straight from my Journal (you know, the one I don't post online). As such, it is a little stream-of-consciousness and perhaps even incoherent at points. If you can get it, then good for you. If not, have a nice day. :)

It's strange, but sometimes I feel like my personality is shaped more by who I want to be (or who I think I am) and who I actually am. Does that make sense? When I was in high school, I saw myself as this big intellectual. I suppose I was when compared to a lot of my classmates, but when I came to college I realized that I really am not that smart.

So, I had to forge a new identity. I didn't know who I wanted to be but I knew that I did not want to be the guy who thought he was an intellectual when he really wasn't. So, I tried to find who I was. I had average intelligence, modest looks, and a slightly loud and obnoxious streak in my personality.

But did I really? Okay, so I'm not as smart when it comes to politics, philosophy, and theology as I previously hoped, but I do think I have a knack for understanding people. I may not be a model, but at least Hitch things I'm attractive. I know I'm not the quiet type, but am I really obnoxious? I certainly don't have a problem with saying what I think, but something is wrong with telling yourself that you are a certain way, because then that is what you become.

I guess it all comes down to finding the parts of our personality that need changing, while at the same time having the wisdom to know the parts that cannot (and should not) change.

Today was very cold and rainy, and that naturally put me in a reflective mood.  Granted, I'm in a reflective mood 80-90% of the time anyway, but today was the first time in a long time I had sat down and taken time to take it all in.  I stayed indoors, and my usual list of things to do was much more sparse than usual.  One of the first things I thought about was how much I had changed since this time last year.  Last year my free time was mostly spent bumming around the blogosphere, searching for articles concerning politics and sexuality that I could read, critique, and possibly blog about.  I was constantly thinking, arguing, and commenting.  My social life was active, but it mostly consisted of late-night partying and weekend clubbing.  Unlike other social activities, the only thing those get in the way of is sleep.  My class schedule was easy, and I breezed through most of my courses.  It was a good year, but this year is very, very different.  I think it's changed for the better in some ways, and for the worse in others.

From an outsider's perspective, my social life is less active than it was last year.  In my view, however, it's better.  What it lacks in content it more than makes up for in substance, if that makes sense.  I simply got tired ot clubbing and bar-hopping last year, and looking back it really wasn't that good for me.  I met a lot of interesting people and had some good memories which I wouldn't trade for anything, but overall I've grown out of that scene.  Now my social life is "normal," just the way I wanted it.  I meet people for coffee or dinner, play video games with my roommates, go to church every sunday, catch movies, work, go to Campus Crusade, and spend time with my boyfriend.  When I'm not doing that stuff, I'm just working on the multitude of papers and applications for various classes, summer programs, and jobs.

Naturally, my blogging career has been put on hold.  It's a shame, but I really don't watch the news anymore.  Generally, I don't read up on what's going on in the big gay/ex-gay debate.  Last week I found a website that drew my ire.  Last year I would have spent two or three really long posts picking apart its flaws.  This year I wrote a short post saying that it made me angry, and that was it.  On the one hand, I'm glad that my life has settled down into a content normalcy.  On the other hand, I miss the chances that I used to have to be bold and say or do something outrageous or controversial.  So, I have normalcy... I just don't want it to turn into complacency.  Does anyone else have this problem?  This nice, quiet life is what I said I wanted all last year.  I really do like it.  I just want to keep its comfort while at the same time not letting it blind me to all the issues on which I could add my ideas.  Have a blessed day, everyone!

For starters, any references to "conservative" or "liberal" in this post are not to be taken in a political sense.  They are references to how one sees the Bible and his or her faith.  Granted, often times these Scriptural views do coincide with political views, but not always, and certainly not in my case.  :)

I have often found that in times of stress or temptation, my views on Scripture become more conservative.  Though nothing changes about my beliefs in any major way, I do become more open minded to the prospect of more "literal" interpretations of Scripture.  For example, I'm still of the belief that the Genesis 1 account is metaphorical and that women can be preachers, but I'm reevaluating those beliefs (among others).  I want to see if they truly hold any water, so I'm spending more time with my Bible and other theological writings.

I say this like I have a lot of time.  Do understand that I'm still a Sophomore in college so "more time" probably just translates to an extra fifteen minutes a day or so.  ;-)

I'm also learning more about the Reformed aspect of my faith.  I don't think I've mentioned much about it since my initial post about the shift in my theological views.  Recently, at the long-neglected recommendations of some commenters, I'm reading a lot of sermons by John Piper.  Needless to say, I really like the guy.  I especially like how he treats the subject of homosexuality.  In the sermons I've read (and I haven't read them all), he seems to have a very kind and Christian attitude towards the subject.  Granted, he does use a bit of ex-gay rhetoric, but sometimes that can't be helped.  He does seem to differentiate Christ's version of "change" and our human expectations, and that's a refreshing take.  It is most certainly making me think more about how I view my homosexual desires (mainly just the lust, because I'm beginning to wonder why the desires for emotional intimacy with another man need to be considered homosexual at all).

I think my newfound "conservatism" is due to the fact that I'm in a relationship that could potentially be harmful (but could also potentially be helpful).  Because I am being faced with more temptation nowadays, I'm relying on God and His Word more.  This is a good thing, and might be the reason God allowed the relationship to happen in the first place.  I'll admit I had been getting a little complacent about the whole reading Scripture and praying thing.

Of course, it's probably a stretch to say that a Christian guy with a boyfriend is "conservative," but I don't think my views are liberal, either.  Maybe I'm a mix of both: a Conservaliberal perhaps?  Either way I'm excited about a lot of things going on in my life, and a deeper understanding of my faith and the wonderful mysteries of God's Word is probably up there at the top of the list.

Speaking of Reformed theology, I found a lovely little cartoon on deviantART from the user *spacecoyote depicting John Calvin and Thomas Hobbes playing the part of two similarly-named comic strip characters.  ;-)  I busted out laughing when I saw it the first time.  I couldn't upload it onto Vox, but click the deviantART link and you'll see it.  Have a great day, everyone!

So... I'm packing up and getting ready to leave for Fall Break. Yeah, I can't believe it either. It's actually Fall Break already! The semester is really going by too quickly for me. Next thing you know I'm going to be out of college and working. But let us not speak of such things now...

I'm really looking forward to Fall Break. I'm heading to Virginia with my folks, and we're going to visit my cousins, who I haven't seen in a while. I'm really looking forward to this opportunity to just hang out with my family, which I haven't had a chance to do in what seems like forever.

But that's not really the reason I hit "Create New Post" today, and I'm beating around the bush a bit. :) It seems that yesterday an acquaintance of mine--a popular, attractive, and recently single gay guy--contacted me out of the blue and asked if I wanted to go get coffee with him and catch a movie next Friday. Without really thinking, I said "yes." I mean, I figured that it was just coffee and a movie. No big deal. Then I remembered that he was gay... and that I was gay... and that we had never even really hung out in a group before, let alone spent time by ourselves... and he was single... and I said "yes" even though I don't drink coffee.

Crap, I'm going on a date. Kinda. I mean, he didn't say date but that's what it feels like to me, and of course that makes me a little anxious. I've never really been on a real date with a girl, let alone a guy. I've certainly never spent one-on-one time with a non-Christian, single gay man. So while this might not be a date to him (and I'm hoping it isn't), it feels like a date to me. And I'm totally anxious and excited at the same time. I thought a lot of the anxiety might be because of my religious beliefs and the obvious hindrance that they would (rightly) put on "normal" dating. Then some friends (straight, struggling, and gay alike) reminded me that everyone gets nervous before a date, so maybe I'm making a big deal out of nothing.

Actually, I'm sure I am. It's just coffee and a movie with a funny, smart, and good-looking company. I'm hoping to get a good friend out of this and that's it. Still, I am already thinking about what I should wear... :) I hope that your weekends are wonderful. I'll leave you with this totally awesome song: "Wine Red" by The Hush Sound. Enjoy!

As I sit here at the front desk of my dorm, procrastinating my butt off (I should be working on a final project for an EDN class...but I'm not), a lot of very random thoughts cross my mind. Since I'm so resigned to not work on anything important, I thought I'd at least work on the blog. So, here goes.

I was thinking about the concepts of ambition and dreams, and how the two interact. I see ambition as something hard and concrete, while dreams are much less corporeal. Dreams are the desired "end product," while ambition entails everything else (i.e. the hard work, the connections, and the talent involved to make dreams come true). You can have dreams without ambition (though that would usually doom them to failure), but you can't have ambition without dreams.

I thought what my life would be like if all my dreams came true. I know this may sound silly, but I actually wrote my own fake Wikipedia article about myself. I set it seven years down the road and wrote about the the things I had "done" between now and 2014. I don't know about you, but I love Wikipedia. I can spend hours just reading through random articles. It's especially funny when people I somewhat know (like the chancellor of my college) have their own articles on there. So I pretty much started my own article. Here's a small, edited excerpt:

"Jay (born 1988 in North Carolina) is an American musician, writer, actor, model, blogger, and social critic. He is known for his multiple talents, outspoken style, and humanitarian work. He has won the Newberry Medal for his 2009 novel Whaler and was nominated for an Emmy in 2010 for his guest appearance on House."

Yeah, I know. Far-fetched (at least time-wise). But it's really just fun to cut loose and dream sometimes. I went so far as to imagine the future "controversies" that my conservative religious stances, not to mention my sexuality views, would cause me should I ever become famous like I want to be. So I suppose I'm still a realist when I dream, but that's okay with me. What hit was the fact that when it came to "Personal Life," I had no dreams. That, I feel, is up to God no matter what else happens.

So, it seems very likely that I have delusions of grandeur. There is ambition attached to some of these (such as writing, and possibly even being famous, since that can happen because of writing), but the rest of these dreams kind of hinge on my being "discovered." Hey, it could happen, though I doubt it. Either way, it's fun to think about when you're bored. What are (or were) some of your most far-fetched dreams? Don't be shy. I want to hear them!

Thinking Blogger

Amanda honored me by listing me as one of the five bloggers who make her think. So, now it's up to me to give that same honor to more bloggers. I think I'll go a step further than Amanda and list the reasons these people make my list, because I'm just in that kind of mood tonight (no offense Mandi!) The following are in no particular order.

1. Disputed Mutability: This woman is sharp as a tack and probably has one of the smartest Spirit-centered blogs that I've ever come across. She handles gay and ex-gay issues with a poise that I wish I could muster, and I have to say that I agree with almost everything she's ever written. When I was starting out I didn't agree with the Calvinism stuff, but as you can see that's changed now. :)

2. Warren Throckmorton: Once again, intelligence, eloquence, and rationality are things I admire, and Dr. Throckmorton exemplifies them all.

3. Willful Grace: I honestly don't know where I'd be without this woman's blog. Her testimony, compassion, and sense of grace are things that I wish all people had. I'm working towards being more like that, too.

4. Resolving Realities: I just discovered this blog, and I have to say I was blown away. David can really write and I really need to stop by and comment more over there. It's interesting to hear the story of someone who, on the surface, is going through the same situation you are, but is doing so from a different angle.

5. Tin Man and the Lion: Their story and journey of faith as a family is something that I find so fascinating and, sometimes, even inspiring. I may not agree with everything, but it is definitely a blog that makes me think, and just judging by some comments, I think Tin Man is a really cool guy.

I tried to avoid putting people who had already gotten props on the list, but Randy Thomas and La Shawn Barber are definitely honorable mentions. That's it, then! Let the game continue.

P.S. I hope no one feels snubbed after this. ;)  I know Amanda and Randy are the only two VOX bloggers on here, but I figured that if the other blogs made me think, then maybe some of you all would like them too.  Enjoy!

Hey everyone. I know it took me a long time to get around to posting this month, but that's because I really just haven't had anything of note to post about. A lot of things have been going on, I guess, but none of them seem "worthy" of the blog. I guess I'm just not one of those people who can post about what I had for breakfast this morning or what song is currently playing on my (imaginary) iPod.

Easter Break was a good time. I saw some friends and family, but nothing spectacular happened. I suppose I cherished it a bit more than usual. I found out at the start of the break that a girl on my floor was killed in a car accident on her way home. She wasn't a close friend of mine, but the news was still shocking and it made me cherish my time with my loved ones much more than usual. Like I said, I didn't know her well, but she did have a wonderful sense of humor and could brighten up any room. Please pray for her family and friends in this time.

In other news, I realized today that I only have four more weeks left in college this year. Can you believe it? Time has flown by so fast, I really don't know what to do with myself. My parents and others say that it's only going to go faster, and that makes me more than a little nervous. I mean, I remember distinctly the night I created this blog. I remember moving in to the dorm, and meeting all the people who are now my best friends. It's been one heck of a year, and I just don't want it to be over. Then again, I do really want it to be over, because I don't want to stay here. I guess you could say that I've moved on from Freshman year: the dorm, the parties, the classes. But on the other hand, I'm nervous about what the future has in store for me.

Well, at the very least I have something to look forward to this summer. It looks like my plans to be a camp counselor at a local Christian camp are actually happening. It's not definite yet, but if it is, I'll be spending 50+ days this summer leading a group of kids in all sorts of outdoor adventure activities. Since I've gotten no indication that it won't happen (and my phone interview went extremely well), then I'm going to go ahead and get super-excited ahead of time. Actually, some could say I'm downright giddy about it. :)

Oh well, that's what's going on around here. I'm in the home stretch of this school year, and all I can say is that it's been a ride. Hopefully there will be a few pleasant events before it's over though. Here's to a blessed four weeks!