10 posts tagged “introspection”

I just realized that in thirty days I will be back at school. No, class isn't starting that early. I'm going to be a Resident Adviser (RA) on campus, in an apartment complex for upperclassmen that opens several weeks before the rest of campus opens. Thus, I have to be on campus about a full month before class begins, training for my new job, but basically not doing a lot.

I've written before about how I like new beginnings. Well, new school years are no different, especially ones (like this upcoming one) that will involve new jobs, new roommates, and a new place to live. I'm really looking forward to next year, because I think it will give me a good opportunity to grow into the person that I want to be, a person who is hopefully also who God wants me to be.

I don't want to say that I've wasted my first two years of college. I know good and well I haven't. My experiences have made me who I am today, and I like that person (and reading back over all my old posts, I've realized just how much these last two years have changed me and helped me grow). At the same time, I feel like I've been a bit too passive. I have a pretty clear image of the man I want to be, and yet I haven't done much work to make myself that guy. This is actually a pretty convicting feeling. I remember when I first made a decision - a serious decision - to quit looking at pornography. I realized that before then, I had just been waiting around, hoping for the temptations to be taken away from me. God doesn't work like that; He expects us to work, and work I had to do (and still have to do) to remain pure in that area.

Basically, I'm trying to change the direction of my life. I feel as I've been coasting up to this point. I know that sounds too melodramatic. I mean, a MySpace page has just about as much depth. But in truth, I've just been getting a bit of a conviction that it's time I "put up or shut up" about certain things. Some of them are sinful habits or thought patterns that don't do me a lick of good and that I've been hanging on to for no good reason other than the fact that I'm used to them (and I'm not necessarily talking about sexuality-related stuff, either).

Some of these things I need to "put up or shut up" on are trivial. Like, I want to write more. Well, that means I need to write. I want to play the guitar. Well, that means I need to practice. I want to be healthier. Well, that means I need to get off my butt and get to the gym (that might be the hardest one, by the way. Even when the ever-so-handsome Hitch invited me to go work out with him while we were together I always found a way out of it).

And some are less trivial. I want to be pure? Well, I need to work on purity instead of just sitting around, hoping that God strikes me with lightning and makes me a perfect Christian man for whom chastity isn't a problem (does such a man even exist?) I want to be firm in my faith, able to defend it against my own insecurities, and not subject to as many doubts and flights of fancy? Well, I need to actually read some good theology books instead of just reading some snippets on blogs online. Oh, and "putting up or shutting up" in terms of reading the Bible (I still haven't read all of it) would also be a welcome change.

So, basically I have a bunch of resolutions for the school year. These aren't anything new, and I very well could fail at one or all of them (but I'm not going to be defeatist this early on in the game). I do know, however, that though my first two years of college definitely weren't wasted, there were some things about them that I'm ready to move on from. Like, I've had a boyfriend, so the constant pining about never having romance in my life is out the window (especially since I learned that romance in itself isn't what I really wanted anyway). Also, by now I have a great set of friends and family who love me (and who I love), so the constant self-centered and annoying worries about loneliness also need to go out the door. And like I said, these things won't happen on their own, but I have a great conviction that if I "put up or shut up" about them, things will change for me.

All in God's will and timing, though. I must remember that, as well.

Yes, the title is from a Macy Gray album (which contains these two amazing songs, among others, so give it a listen).

After several days of working on final papers and one heckuva portfolio, I've had a lot of downtime today. I've basically been enjoying the quiet time, listening to music, reading, and reflecting. Specifically, I've been thinking of the challenges and rewards that face those who try to be completely authentic (or as close to being completely authentic as can be achieved). "Authentic" is a bit of a weighted term, though. I guess what I mean to say is that it is a challenge to truly be yourself, especially in a society that is catering more and more often to the group than to the individual. This post basically follows the same theme of my previous posts about individuality and fitting in, but those were mostly about society's faults in accepting the individual. This is more or less about the individual's choices in being him or herself.

First of all, we have to understand what is meant when people say they are "being themselves." What is authenticity? What kind of people do we think of when we think of the most authentic people we know? Obviously, giving in to every elemental desire is not "being yourself," because convictions and inhibitions are also part of who you are. Also, saying every thing that pops into your mind is not necessarily being authentic, either. Sure, you may be honest, but honesty doesn't exactly have to equal rudeness (this is something I struggle with, by the way).

I personally believe that one of the defining characteristics of a true individual is a disregard for the thoughts and opinions of others. I don't mean a disregard for their feelings, nor do I endorse not listening to logical, thought-out opinions even if they contrast your own. What I mean to say is that if the thoughts and opinions of others influence your behavior in a major way on the sole basis that they are the thoughts and opinions of others (and not because you believe them to be true on your own), then you are lacking authenticity. I think this, personally, is the only way to live and be content. The only One whose opinion I hold as an influence is God. Of course, I am also influenced by people who are also followers of Christ and who care about me spiritually, but even with them I have to make sure that my own understanding of God (if it is Biblical) takes precedence, lest I do things for the wrong reasons. Those wrong reasons could be anything, from wanting to fit in to wanting to appear more different than I actually am. If you change who you are for the approval of people, you are making people into an idol.

But of course, I'm making this sound easy, and it's not. There are many challenges to being an unapologetic individual. One of them is, of course, that you won't fit in as neatly as everyone else, and might even get envious of people who do. But more than that, the temptation to want to hide who you are will also come, and it's hard to deal with. There are definite times when I've felt I should "tone it down" or perhaps not say my opinion just to make conversation go more smoothly. But what's the point of smooth conversation if you can't speak your mind? What's the point of toning it down if you best represent yourself by tuning it way, way up? Maybe I'm sounding a little extreme here, but I'm just starting to realize that being disingenuous really doesn't have any perks. Yeah, life is easier when you don't have to deal with weird looks and arguments and awkward situations, but at least that kind of life is honest. People may not like you if you are who you are, and that can be especially painful when they are people that you wish liked you. I suppose in the end it just takes confidence, and this is where a relationship with God really comes in.

If you know that there is a powerful, loving, merciful, perfect God who loves you just the way you are -- with all your personality quirks, struggles, ideas, feelings, and (most importantly) faith in Him, then how can you hide that person? Wear it on your sleeve -- all of it! Be careful, of course, to not put yourself in harm's way (at the same time, remember that they can only hurt your flesh), but don't avoid subjects -- be they trivial or important -- just because you might be the odd one out. This life only happens once. We are to be lights to the world and represent what God has done in our lives, and keep our focus on eternity when we will finally get the chance to completely be the creations God intended us to be. But how can we represent God and His work if we can't even represent who we are for fear of what others think?

There is a lot of trouble with being myself, and I pray I don't become too arrogant while standing up to that trouble, but I am happy to face that trouble for the rest of my life. If I am true to God and myself, then nothing else matters. This should conclude my posts on individuality for the time being. :-)

Peace, everyone (and yes, that's a picture of me. Can't quite get to the point of showing my whole face online, but at least I'm being myself). :-)

Easter Break 030

I am truly blessed. It's hard to realize how blessed you are when you're surrounded by so much noise in the form of television, movies, music, video games, et al. There's just so much complicated stuff going on that you can't sit back and realize what a wonderful gift the "small," essential things can be. When you put yourself near those that have less, though, it's easy to see how much you've been given.

This past weekend I worked at a homeless shelter, serving lunch to those who do not have the same things I do. It was a cold and icy morning outside, but I got to wake up warm in my bed, put on a nice big coat, and drive my heated car to the shelter. I also grabbed a granola bar for breakfast on my way out, forgetting that so many people would find that a precious luxury.

Honestly, these people have nowhere to go, and nothing about them really struck out as "homeless." According to the other workers there, when they are done with lunch many of them make their way to Wal-Mart or the mall (on a nice day, of course). That blew my mind. People I pass on the street might not have anywhere to go. They might not have food to eat. Not even a little granola bar as they walk out the door.

The experience was so humbling, I just have to go back. I have this burning desire to serve the needy now, to show the love of Christ, and even share the Gospel, which is the greatest blessing of all.

I realized the other day that "musician" is one of the words that I use to describe myself in my Blogger profile. However, I've never really clarified what I mean by "musician." At the time I wrote the profile, I was learning to play guitar, and I assumed that by the end of that year I would be fairly good. That, I'm afraid, was a poor assumption. I simply did not have the time to continue practicing guitar, and I did not have enough passion for the instrument to make time to learn it.

However, I still consider myself a "musician" in some ways. I come from a very musical family. My dad actually is a musician, and music of all types could always be heard in the atmosphere of my home. I'm always listening to something, singing something, or humming the tune to some very random, off-the-wall song. I don't know how well I can sing in comparison to other people (although I do know that I can carry a tune), but I know that I certainly like to sing, and that's enough for me.

Anyway, this love of singing helped me sign up for a karaoke competition that my college is doing. In a knock-off of "American Idol," the contest held auditions in each of the dorms and apartment complexes across campus. One contestant will be selected from each area, and later this month all the contestants will sing a song, karaoke-style, in front of over 1,000 people. There's a pretty nice prize for the winner, so I thought it couldn't hurt to try out.

I auditioned last night. There were only about seven people from my apartment complex signed up, so the competition wasn't too large, I suppose. I sang Marvin Gaye and Tammi Terrell's "Ain't No Mountain High Enough." Oddly enough, I wasn't nervous at all going in. I am rarely nervous, actually. However, as I was singing my heart started to flutter, and my voice cracked a little about halfway through the song. I finished the best I could, and left a little embarrassed. At least I had fun hanging out with the other contestants while I was waiting for my turn!

Anyway, I doubt I'll win my area. Some of the girls that were auditioning could really sing and took voice lessons. Either way, I'm surprised that the thought of winning, which means I'll have to perform in front of a huge crowd, doesn't bother me at all. In fact, I'd really like the opportunity to perform in front of a huge auditorium full of people. Isn't that strange for someone who, in a lot of ways, considers himself shy? Perhaps performing is different than normal social situations.

I'm certainly a quiet person in my day-to-day life. I'm involved in tons of stuff and try to talk to everyone, but I don't really say much of substance, if you know what I mean. I'm a bit plain, even though I'm involved. That's fine with me. It's my personality. It's just not exactly the kind of personality that one would expect from someone who likes the thought of being a performer. I mean, I'm applying to be on the next season of "Survivor," yet I consider myself quiet and plain.

Am I just a little delusional, or is it really possible to be shy, yet at the same time willing to show your bare essence -- whether it be through stage, music, writing, or television -- to groups of total strangers? It's weird. I guess I just have a tendency to wear lots of different personalities and hats, depending on the situations and company. Maybe I have a split personality. :)

Well, thanks for reading this random introspection. Hope you all have a great day!

As a warning, this blog post is coming straight from my Journal (you know, the one I don't post online). As such, it is a little stream-of-consciousness and perhaps even incoherent at points. If you can get it, then good for you. If not, have a nice day. :)

It's strange, but sometimes I feel like my personality is shaped more by who I want to be (or who I think I am) and who I actually am. Does that make sense? When I was in high school, I saw myself as this big intellectual. I suppose I was when compared to a lot of my classmates, but when I came to college I realized that I really am not that smart.

So, I had to forge a new identity. I didn't know who I wanted to be but I knew that I did not want to be the guy who thought he was an intellectual when he really wasn't. So, I tried to find who I was. I had average intelligence, modest looks, and a slightly loud and obnoxious streak in my personality.

But did I really? Okay, so I'm not as smart when it comes to politics, philosophy, and theology as I previously hoped, but I do think I have a knack for understanding people. I may not be a model, but at least Hitch things I'm attractive. I know I'm not the quiet type, but am I really obnoxious? I certainly don't have a problem with saying what I think, but something is wrong with telling yourself that you are a certain way, because then that is what you become.

I guess it all comes down to finding the parts of our personality that need changing, while at the same time having the wisdom to know the parts that cannot (and should not) change.

I was talking to Amanda the other day and the subject of innocence was brought up. Specifically, I wondered how to balance the childlike innocence that I am called to as a Christian while not being blind to this world's troubles and the issues that I have to face everyday. Though this sounds slightly ironic, I think that innocence is something that Christians should take seriously. Jesus said it best in Matthew 19:14.

14Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these." (New International Version)

If the kingdom of heaven belongs to those who are like children, what does being childlike mean? When I ask that question of myself, the answer I usually get is "innocent" or "pure." I also think of being open-minded, trusting, forgiving, and kind. Before you start, yes I am around kids a lot and I know they aren't always those things, but let's give 'em the benefit of the doubt and blame society for a moment, 'kay?

We are told by society that we need to be tough. We are told that people are out there solely to pull one over on us and that the only people we can trust our ourselves. We are told that the world is a scary, cruel, and dangerous place where we must always be on our guard. When we believe this (and most of us do), we lose our innocence. We lose a wonderful childlike gift, which is to see the world as benevolent. We become tough, selfish, proud people who see ourselves at the center of the world, and thus we create the scary, cruel, and dangerous world that we were warned about.

I am told by some people that I am tough; in fact I like to think of myself that way. But I don't think my toughness is a defense mechanism. It's more of a decision to be completely open and impervious to the opinions of others. I think openness is part of innocence, too. Childlike frankness may make people think you're strange, but a freer way of living I've never known. It's so much easier to love Christ when you aren't concerned about what others think of you.

At the same time, I can't knock being an adult. Even in my openness, I have to be concerned about the feelings of others (feelings and opinions are two different animals.) I have to realize that they may not be as comfortable with certain subjects as I am. I have to be humble, and think of them as better than myself (oh how hard that command is, and to think it's Biblical!) Those are the kind of things that children don't understand, but I still think they require a lot of innocence. I've never met someone who I could think of as both "innocent" and "arrogant." This is hard for me, because I have many moments where I realize I'm one heck of an arrogant son of a gun.

So, there is the situation. To be innocent is to be pure of heart, kind, forgiving, and most importantly, open. At the same time, being open and blunt can give you the reputation of being arrogant. How do you balance the two?

Like I said, innocence can also be hindered by the fact that there is evil in the world and we do have to watch out for ourselves. But I'll leave that for the comments. Any ideas, anyone?

I used to get annoyed with bloggers who wrote posts about why they hadn't been blogging recently or why they wouldn't be blogging in the near future. Such posts seemed a little pointless to me, since a person's personal blog is not a newspaper and therefore has no obligation to satisfy its' readers' timetables.

But that was before I actually got into blogging. I started this thing out of simple curiosity -- and perhaps a little boredom. I wanted to chronicle my thoughts and somewhat unique perspectives on various things -- faith and sexuality mainly. I could have just used a simple journal for that, but I also wanted to hear contrasting opinions and/or advice. I guess the exhibitioist in me didn't just want my thoughts written down; it wanted them to be broadcasted. Hence this blog came into existence.

I swore at the beginning that I would only write when I had something outstanding to say -- some grand, controversial revelation that would change the way people saw the world. However, seeing as my last post was about the crush I have on one of my nerdy professors, it obviously didn't turn out that way. But that's not a bad thing. I like the fact that I can put pretty much anything on my blog. I can, in essence, give people a very intimate look into all my little quirks as well as my more defined opinions. Truth be told, by reading all of the posts on this blog, you probably have a more complete picture of me than some of my family and friends.

Obviously, when you become aware that there are people who "know" you that well, you want to keep them updated on what's going on in your life, hence the obligatory "upcoming blog silence" posts many bloggers use. You want to make sure that these intimate strangers know you haven't dropped off the face of the earth. You've just been busy, or, like me, you really just don't have anything amazing to write about. Yes, my life is back into a steady routine. Nothing much is happening here. Nothing in particular is challenging my views, nor are there any big events to write about. I'm just here. I'm alive, I'm happy, and I'm grateful that there are people all over who seem to care. Thanks guys. :)

This post is more or less a response to all the commenters on my Blogspot blog.  But in a lot of ways its also a resolution to the questions I raised in the "Calvinist vs. Wesleyan" post.  So it might not be so relevant to you VOX guys, but I thought I'd post it anyway.

Hello all. As you can see, I'm back and (hopefully) in top form. I had the down time I needed, and though it was brief, it was pretty good. Introspection is sometimes a very difficult thing to pull through, and I've been going through a lot of it lately.

First let me thank everyone who commented on the "Calvinist vs. Wesleyan" post. Yes, some of the comments did overwhelm me a bit, but that's mainly because I've been overwhelmed lately anyway, and with a variety of things. As far as whethor or not I'm a Calvinist or a Wesleyan...well, right now I'm still a Wesleyan, and I don't see that changing anytime soon. However, I do realize that I (along with Calvin, Wesley, and the rest of us) am just a small, insignificant human being. When we're talking about a God who created the very fabric of reality, then we have to have the humility to admit that our human doctrines and systems of belief can end up being infinitely fallible when compared to His infinite perfection.

The one thing I knew after that post was that I know very little. But I do know what I think matters most. I know God exists, I know Christ died for my sins, I know His Word, and I intend to keep it. Both Calvinists and Arminians (and many, many others) know these things, and so really, what's all the arguing about? Do not both Calvinists and Arminians preach the Gospel to the nations? Do they not both help the poor, sick, and needy? Do they not both aspire to love Christ and God with all their hearts and all their souls? Do they not both rejoice when sinners come running to the grace of the Cross? Do they not both weep for the lost souls in this world? As you can see, I could go on. My point is that it doesn't really matter whether or not we think God predestined all of this or merely foreknew it. Either way, in all things we seek to glorify Him, so I don't think He'll mind.

That post did lead me to learn some things about myself. I realized that all of my objections to Calvinism stem from something within me that I believe is ultimately good: the belief that, deep down, all men are good; no one is rotten to the core. Even in the darkest of hearts, there is the glimmer of the perfect Creation that we were all intended to be, and that many of us will be again. I do not want to see anyone that I've known in this life sent to Hell (whatever its nature may be). Truly, I'd like to see all of mankind resolved to God (even though I know that isn't going to happen), and I believe in a God who would like to see the same thing, who does not wish that any should perish but that all should be brought to Him.

I know this confidence in the goodness of humanity is something that a lot of Christians (and even many secularists) warn against. Not necessarily because they think it's totally wrong but because it often sets an individual up to be hurt when a person doesn't turn out to be as good as they hoped. But that's the kind of pain I'll gladly live with.

I hope those above two paragraphs didn't sound too proud. They're merely things I've come to notice about myself. Trust me, I notice a lot of things that I don't like so much, so it's nice to find something within you that you can know is good. One thing that I know is bad is my habit to start rambling, like I've done now. :-) Let me get back on track...

Like I said, I'll still hold to Arminianism, but I'm open to Calvinism and I don't believe that either are perfectly right or perfectly wrong. Whichever path you take shouldn't affect your path as a Christian, and that's the most important thing in my eyes. I'm grateful for the debate. It really did help me grow, even though I didn't really change my mind about anything. I didn't throw my hands in the air and give up like usual. I did, though, throw my hands in the air and praise God, for being a Creator that I know created me with a care that made the worlds.