22 posts tagged “god”

It's funny how things just seem to work out perfectly sometimes. I don't know if it's correct or not to say that it's God doing, but often I think that could be appropriate. He really does look after me, in ways that I could never imagine.

For example, earlier this week I was stressing over certain aspects of election, theology, faith, and assurance. Then I just happened to stumble upon this gem of a sermon by J.C. Ryle on an almost equally gem of a blog. I won't really go over it here, because there's nothing more that I could possibly add to Ryle's superb writing style and his insight into faith and assurance. I know that I had had one really long and vague blog post planned, because my thoughts were scatterbrained. But then I read Ryle's sermon, and I really found a selection of his text expressed everything that I've been wanting to say about faith for a while, and in so many less (and more eloquent) words. Take a gander, read the rest, and have a great day everyone!

I believe it ought to be our continual aim and desire to go forward; and our watchword at the beginning of every year should be, “More and more” (1 Thess. iv. 1): more knowledge,-more faith,-more obedience,-more love. If we have brought forth thirty-fold, we should seek to bring forth sixty, and if we have brought forth sixty, we should strive to bring forth a hundred. The will of the Lord is our sanctification, and it ought to be our will too. (Matt. xiii. 23; 1 Thess. iv. 3.) -- J.C. Ryle (1816-1900)

Recently, I've been thinking about the concept of guilt and what relevance it has (if any) in our lives as Christians. We've all felt guilty about something at some point in our lives. Usually it's a good thing, because it lets us know what we've done wrong, and gives us some incentive to think about our actions and not repeat them. Other times, of course, guilt can lead to despair and allow us to think of ourselves as worse off than we are. That type of guilt is self-centered, and can lead us away from Christ instead of closer to Him.

It's finding the balance that is the problem. For example, I would really like to feel guilty every time I sin. Often times, I'm sure I sin without even realizing it (like when saying a sarcastic remark that could hurt a person's feelings, or perhaps entertaining some not-so-wholesome thoughts in the back of my mind, or perhaps some other habitual behavior of mine that I don't even recognize as sinful). The guilt could clue me in to what I have done wrong, and give me a chance to repent more earnestly and strive to live more faithfully in the future.

At the same time, I've had the experience of being overwhelmed with guilt before, and it's not very nice. Perhaps for certain sins a lot of guilt is appropriate (mainly sins that hurt others). At the same time, if that guilt makes people unable or unwilling to talk to God and have confidence in the fact that they are, indeed, forgiven for their sins, then it isn't a good thing. Every Christian should be aware of when and how they sin and work against the sin in their lives. However, if the guilt they feel makes them believe that they are unworthy of God's love or are not, after all, saved, then it is not healthy, and needs to be put in check.

That's really all the thoughts I have on the issue. It's just a random musing going through my head. Feel free to talk and discuss. I should be around. Hope you're all having a good day!

Today was an amazing day. In fact, the last few days have been pretty awesome. In part, it's because the weather is getting nicer. The first week or so of April was dreadfully rainy and just ugly outside. Granted, we're in a drought down here in the South, so it was very needed, but it still wasn't really nice. I don't do too well in the rain. I don't mind if it's hot or cold, but I need sunshine every now and then to make me feel good. There was no sun for a good straight week, I'd say, and that wore on me. Not to mention I'm still dealing with the break-up between myself and Hitch. I'm really doing fine (much better than most people get when they break up, that's for sure), but it was still weird not having that comfort around. Oh, and I had a literal ton of schoolwork to do. Paper after paper, reading assignment after reading assignment. It really was a lot to take on for a week, and I was so busy I didn't have time for hanging out or working on my own writing projects.

But anyway, the great thing about that kind of stuff is that you know it will end eventually. The assignments, though stressful, were completed on time (well, mostly on time). The rain stopped and the past two days have been absolutely spectacular. Hitch and I went out to dinner last night, just as friends, and it wasn't awkward at all. In fact, I'm confident that I'll remain one of his good friends, though of course only time will tell. I think we'll be better as friends than we were as a couple, simply because our differing beliefs won't be thrown into conflict. I'm genuinely appreciative for his friendship. Also, one of my good friends is coming to my college next year. She came down and I gave her a tour of the campus. Then we hit the beach, and then we went downtown and got ice cream. If that's not a good few days right there, I don't know what is.

It's easy to praise God when things are going well. It's easier to be spiritual when it's nice outside and your homework is done and you have a pleasant weekend to look forward to, free of drama and stress. But now that these wonderful days are here, I feel bad for not having praised God enough when it was miserable outside, when I was stressed out over homework and dealing with a break-up. Yes, I praised Him. I read my Bible and prayed and went to Campus Crusade and church and all that, but my heart didn't sing. Today and yesterday, the days of beauty as I call them, my heart felt like it was just singing Psalm 104 all day long. Constant praise. Constant thanks to God for all that He has given me. I want that more often. I want it even when times are tough (and let's face it, I'm an American college student with a good family, friends, and a warm bed; times are never really tough).

So that's what I aim to do. When things are looking down, I need to praise God for all that I have anyway, because it's a lot more than the vast majority of the people in this world have. Even if I can't find it in my heart to praise Him for that (and I really shouldn't be so spiritually immature), I can at least praise Him for the coming wonders. Rain doesn't last forever. Stress doesn't last forever. Heartache and grief don't last forever. So you praise God for what is to come, for the sunny days and the peace and the companionship of friends and family. Isn't that what praise is all about? Aren't we praising God for allowing us to have that one fine day at the end of everything, when the gloom that was our lives here subsides and we finally get to see the sunny day that is the Kingdom of God? Isn't that why we cry out, "How long?" I guess the same thing can be applied on a smaller scale. The rain stops eventually, but even while it's pouring (in a multitude of ways), we can still praise.

As some of you already may know, Hitch and I ended our relationship the other day. It was just shy of six-months long (and trust me, that feels weird, because I didn't know time could move by so quickly!) The details of the break-up aren't really important. The good thing to know is that it went smoothly and it was (more or less) a mutual decision. I knew for a long time (possibly since from the beginning) that the relationship wouldn't last through the end of the year, and I certainly knew that it was a temporary matter.

I had some time to process some emotions before we were officially broken up, and that was good for me. I know a lot of people didn't see a point to our relationship. It was temporary, we both had two different opinions about Godly sexuality, and on those terms we really couldn't work together no matter how well we got along. We did get along well, though. In six months, I can't imagine one time we had an argument. I always wanted to see him when I saw him, and I think the same worked in reverse. I can't think of a single moment where being with him didn't comfort me and bring a smile to my face. In his own words, we had a perfect relationship. It was just doomed. That didn't stop us from enjoying it while it lasted.

Though there were many mistakes and moments of weakness in the context of the relationship (I've written about them before), I can't say that I totally regret it. I really don't. I certainly regret any sins that I committed during the relationship (just like I regret the many sins that I commit daily, from unkindness to laziness), but I also got some Christward things out of it. Hitch taught me that I can be loved and wanted. He helped boost my self-confidence (as any good friend should do), and also allowed me to be a little more emotionally close to someone and vulnerable for one. I usually put on a tough front because I want to seem perfectly okay for everyone. He allowed me to be a little more human, and I'm gonna take that lesson with me to my other friendships.

Also, I don't think I've prayed for another person as much as Hitch. He is a Christian, I know that now. I think (or hope) that being with me helped him strengthen relationship with God, even if he didn't come to the same conclusions about sexuality that I have. He's still going to Mass on Sundays, as far as I know. It's an amazing feeling to pray for someone else's relationship. I can only wish that Hitch eventually has the same relationship with God that I do.

So, the relationship helped me break out of my shell and strengthened my complete dependence on Christ. I had a lot of good memories and - even in the bad times - I think I pulled through okay. Still, it sucks for it to be over. It's a lot like grief. There's nothing I could do to stop it, I had come to terms with it long before the end came, and yet I still feel an amazing amount of hurt and loss. There are things about the relationship that I know I won't ever have again, even if Hitch and I remain friends (which I think we will, once we have time to cool down). For Hitch, he will eventually date again. I doubt I will, though. Men as patient and understanding as Hitch are hard to come by, and it requires one like that to have a relationship with me. Trust me. ;-)

Now I can focus on Christ more fully. I really am thankful for every second of the relationship and that it ended in a way that I can be proud of. I didn't compromise who I was or what Christ has done for me, and I was never asked to. Hitch and I parted with a deep hug and kisses on the cheek. Hopefully he'll still remain a part of my life and I can continue to support him as he grows in his own understanding of Christ, even if it is different from my own.

Thanks in advance for your thoughts and prayers. I love you guys. :-)

I'm not sure if I've written about this before or not, but I love new beginnings. Doesn't matter if it's a new day, new month, new week, or new year. I just love the feeling of starting over, even though it's mostly an illusion. Life is a continuum, not a chapter book, but the latter is how I treat it a lot of the time.

I suppose I simply like the idea of having life all neat and tidy and in clear-cut stages. I have a tendency to live my life like it's a chapter book. I'll be on a spiritual high where I'm feeling good and am relatively pure, then I'll have a moment of weakness and sin in a "major" way that will make me sulk around for a few days or weeks while I doubt my own salvation and whether or not God has really worked any transformation in my life. Then some new week or month will roll around and I'll perk up, and the whole cycle will start over again.

Now, I know that the Christian life has spiritual ups and downs. C.S. Lewis wrote extensively on this in "The Screwtape Letters." However, I feel that my spiritual ups and downs are too frequent and too extreme. Compared to what, you might ask? Good question. I really don't know. My mind says "other Christians" but, to tell the truth, it's not like other Christians would really be able to tell if I was on a spiritual low. It's really a personal thing, and from all sources I've read it's relatively normal to experience. How a Christian deals with it, I gather, is the important part. Frankly, I don't know how.

I just don't like the lows. I enjoy and am at the most wonderful state of peace and strength when I am on a spiritual high -- when I'm connected to God, overcoming temptations easily, praying like I've never prayed before, and truly desiring to be deep in God's Word. When the lows hit, though, it can be devastating. I become truly desperate for God and the slightest glimmer of evidence that He's working in my life. You've probably seen the cycle play out in this blog several times before.

Right now I'm entering a new month with "new" resolve to be pure and obedient to Christ. Hopefully it will last, and even more hopefully I'll be able to reflect on the experience in a way that is Christ-centered instead of self-centered.

Of course, I'm not the only person who likes new starts. Trendy female singer-songwriters like them too, and of course, knowing me, I have a song and a YouTube video for every occasion. Enjoy Yael Naim and the song "New Soul," from the most recent MacBook commercials.

So, my home computer doesn't like Vox, so the posts I wrote over Christmas Break weren't posted here.  Here are links to them from blogger.  I only wrote two.  Here's one, and here's the other.  If you'd like to comment on one of them, either comment on Blogger or comment on this post.  Just clarify what you're talking about or it will get really confusing.  Sigh, it's good to be back at college, if only just for the Internet!

The other day I was reading La Shawn Barber's blog and stumbled upon this piece about evangelism. I found it very interesting, and it raised a lot of questions about the emphasis that I put on evangelism in my Christian experience. Needless to say, I find straight-up evangelism a little awkward and difficult. So do most Christians my age, it seems. The Campus Crusade conference I attended was full of seminars on how to evangelize. They gave us tons of tips, tricks, and icebreakers to use, but in the end it all seemed too complicated for me. I've always felt that evangelism, like other aspects of Christianity, should be relatively simple when you get down to it.

But evangelism isn't simple, at least not for me. It's hard to share the Gospel with unbelievers, especially if they are friends. Some people will smile politely and tell you how flattered they are that you care about them, but then will say they think you're wrong. Others won't even be polite, but will get downright offended. Honestly, it's hard dealing with that kind of rejection. For a Christian, the Gospel is a part of you, and when someone rejects it, it's not hard to take it personally.

I think a lot of Christian kids look for "easy" ways to deliver the Gospel, in an attempt to share it truthfully but without people getting offended. I'm not sure there is such a method, though. Aside from that, they can get a little too caught up in wanting to see the fruits of their work immediately. Sure, it's great (and not too difficult) to say, "Christ died for us while we were yet sinners." A lot of people will believe that, actually, but will they take it to heart? Will they ask Him into their hearts? Will they be saved? Will they start going to church and getting involved? Will they start spreading the Gospel themselves?

Those kinds of questions can be difficult. I think if one thing has bothered me more than my own assurance, it's the assurance of people I know and love. Simply put, there are many people that I don't want to be missing from Heaven, and I can get too caught up with whether or not they are saved that I don't focus on my own salvation enough.

Later on in her post, Ms. Barber made this remark, which I liked: There is no such thing as failed evangelism. If we don’t “win the soul” of the person we’re sharing the Gospel with at a given moment, we have not failed. It’s God’s business who he saves.

This is very true, and I suppose I have to remember that just because I never see a person come to Christ, that doesn't mean they never will. Like I said, some Christians I know have a problem, in that they share the Gospel once and then then throw their hands up in the air if they don’t see immediate results. Sometimes, I suppose, our evangelism is just a small link in a chain of Christ’s calling, the full effects of which might not be felt in that person’s life until years later... After we've moved on.

I know I’ll probably always struggle with friends of mine who continue to be nonbelievers despite my evangelism. I hope and pray that they will one day come to Christ… That He will call them to Him. And I continue to share the Gospel with them at every appropriate opportunity. Perhaps I’ll never in this lifetime be assured of their salvation, but I can’t lie and say that there aren't people I care for deeply who I really want to see in Heaven!

Sometimes, when I worry about loneliness, my homosexuality, and my subsequent self-induced celibacy, I wonder why God has allowed me to suffer so. A reading through the Book of Job over the past few days got rid of that thinking. God is God. He doesn't owe me anything, and I am foolish for being resentful of the situations He has put me in. They are, after all, what makes me the person I am today. And I like that guy. I really do.

I am healthy, I am (more or less) full of hope. In my own respects, I am a teacher and a writer, the two things I have always wanted to be. I have a great family, and a great boyfriend who understands me, and who I can share my faith with. If Job, who was reduced to almost nothing, can still cry out and praise God, what makes it so hard for me to do so sometimes?

I am trying my hardest to trust God more. This is a two-fold mission in a lot of ways. First, I want to trust God with the events of my own life. I want to trust that the situations I have been put in are ones that I can handle, and that He will help me through. My life is rocky a little right now, on several levels. On other levels it is fine. In either case, I have to trust that He will be there for me.

Secondly, I have to trust in my own salvation. It's hard, because Reformed theology (at least in my limited understand of it so far) leaves little room for total assurance. This is good in a way, because it means there is more humility among the Christians who adhere to it (and, hopefully, myself included). A lot of Christians can get it in their heads that their simple statements of faith save them, and that can lead to a lot of arrogance.

So, Calvinists know that the Holy Spirit must be in you and actively working in order to save you, right? The problem is that it's hard to know if that's happening. I stumble and I doubt, and I sometimes wonder if I'm only deluding myself into thinking that God has really saved me, even though I desire Him so badly. Everyone will glorify God in the end, and I rejoice in that. But I can't lie and say that there isn't one side of the schism that I'll want to be on when the end comes. I suppose I have to trust that God is just and beyond my level of thinking, and there are some wonderful friends around to support me in my faith. Disputed Mutability showed me this wonderful sermon by C.H. Spurgeon about the very subject of assurance in hard times. Trust is hard, but it's rewarding, and it comes with time. Patience has never been one of my strong points, but I'm working on it. Welcome to December, everybody!

So... I said I wouldn't blog about my relationship with Hitch until there were any interesting developments.  Well, those interesting developments happened.  As of Tuesday, Hitch and I are officially boyfriends.

Okay, now.  Take a breath, drink some water, and come back when you feel you can go on reading.  :)

...

Are you good?  Good.  Let's keep going.  :)

First of all, I want to say that my beliefs haven't changed.  I still view the Bible as I've always viewed it.  It is God's Holy Word that expresses His Will to us mere, often pitiful humans, and it is to be taken very, very seriously.  It does not respond to our every whim and want.  As such, I still view sex between anyone outside of a man and woman united in marriage to be outside of God's Will and, therefore, sinful.  When Hitch asked me to be his boyfriend, I made sure to tell him this.  Granted, I used much more "frilly" language since I knew he did not have the same spiritual background as I did.  Either way, I got the point across that our relationship would not include sex (and a few other things) unless I changed my beliefs... and I told him that was not likely to happen in the near future (and hopefully never).

I had expected him to hit the ground running when I said that.  After all, I know that he does not share many of my Christian beliefs, least of all the beliefs about human sexuality.  But he didn't budge.  He still wanted to be with me.  I didn't know what he meant by that.  I didn't know what he could possibly want from a boyfriend with whom he can't have sex, passionately kiss, and probably won't marry.  But I figured that if he was willing to give all that up for me, how could I really say no?  So I didn't, and here we are.

He's amazing to be around.  Just holding his hand is enough to make my heart flutter, and I've yet to feel anything really sexual about him.  If and when I do, the relationship might have to end.  For now, however, I'm enjoying the companionship while I have it.  I probably won't post too much about it, mainly because finally being in a relationship is showing me just how much I can care for another person, and I don't want to put our personal business out there for the world to see.

At the same time, this blog is my story.  I wanted to let you guys know where I am at right now.  I'm sure some people will see this and be happy that I'm on my way to being "gay-affirming."  My answer to that is that I'm not.  I'm sure others will think that this is a big mistake and that I'm only setting myself up for a world of hurt.  I thought so too, and I told Hitch this.  He said he'd risk it, and so will I.  Others, still, will think that I'm at the top of the "slippery slope" and I'll soon be totally "in the lifestyle."  My only hope is that they trust me to challenge their presumptions like I have in the past.  At the very least, I'm thankful for all the friends (conservative and liberal, Christian and non-Christian alike) who have advised me and supported me in this decision.

Now I'm just excited about doing all that cutesy, mushy stuff that couples get to do.  :)

To begin, I really have to thank everyone who decided to respond to the last post.  Your advice and prayers were very helpful, and I feel very blessed to be in contact with such a diverse, smart, and good group of people.  Thank you.  I don't know when I will come out to my folks.  It might be a week from now, a month from now, or several years from now.  Either way, I know that if I trust God things will turn out fine.  He has blessed me with a great family, and I know that they will love me no matter what.

I also have to thank everyone who wished me luck on my first date.  I went out with a Sophomore that I'll call "Hitch" because that rhymes with his real name (thanks to Amanda for the nickname idea!)  He's a really sweet, down to earth guy, and it was great getting to know him a bit better.  We got some coffee, walked around for a while, and then went to go see "Across the Universe," which was an amazing movie (as Eric from Two World Collision agrees).  Really, it was less of a date for me and more of a chance to hang out with a new and interesting person.  Hitch and I have a lot in common, and we talked a lot about our families, our favorite movies, music, books, and the guys on campus that we thought were cute.  :)

Our personalities really did click, but I don't think he'll be anything more than a good friend.  He might think differently, and as we see each other more we'll probably get into deeper topics where we can start talking about what we're looking for in our lives right now.  I don't want to shoot him down quickly because I do value friendship with other gay men.  At the same time, I don't want to lead him on into thinking that something might happen when I'm not interested.

I'm sure some people think it's dangerous to be dating when I've committed myself to celibacy.  It certainly does give me more incentive to give up the struggle and (forgive the term) completely identify with being gay.  After all, it is hard to turn down the prospect of being the boyfriend of a guy like Hitch (especially when he paid for my movie ticket--joke!)  At the same time, last night made me really happy.  I climbed the stairs to my apartment thanking God for letting me have such a great night (and also for keeping things very innocent.  I had been worried to a certain extent.  ;-)

I'm happy to be young and I want to enjoy dating like every other kid my age, especially when "dating" for me basically just consists of hanging out with somebody one-on-one instead of in a group.  You know, I want my life to be normal right now, and I don't see anything wrong with it.  Truth is, the prospect of a quiet, unremarkable life is starting to look very good to me.  I know I've written about how I'm ambitious before, but I've also written about how I'm fine with the perpetually single life.  As I think about it, I'm happiest when things are simple.  I enjoy my alone time, and I really look forward to being a teacher, and being an uncle to my niece, and serving the Lord as the single man that I am and probably will be.  A nice, quiet life isn't looking so bad.  I may not have kids, and I may not get married.  Either way, I'm determined to be happy.  Some people may wonder how the single life can be anything but lonely, but I don't see it that way.

And if you're asking how me talking about my date somehow moved to this topic, you aren't alone.  As you know, my blog posts tend to be a random selection of thoughts from my rapid-fire mind.  But hey, you guys have stuck to me so far, so I must be doing something right.  :)  As always, thanks for reading.

FYI, the title of this post comes from the Patricia Neal movie of the same name.  My mom rented it several years ago.  I never watched the movie, but I loved the title.  :)

I recently read that the relationship one has with his earthly father is often the starting point for how he views his Heavenly Father.  Unfortunately I can't remember where I read this statement (it was simply a one-liner in the middle of a longer work on an unrelated topic), but I was intrigued by the concept.  Surely I don't think that we should go around judging people's relationships with their parents based on their religious beliefs, but as a means of self-analysis I think looking at one's relationship with their father might be a good way to look at one's relationship with God.

I know that personally, I have always been able to relate to God in His role of Creator more than any other role.  This is, I think, because my own father is a creator, and I was taught to value creativity and artistry at an early age.  In fact, if I could name one activity of mine that makes me feel closest to God, it is when I am creating.  I don't create intrinsically "Christian art," but as Madeleine L'Engle wrote in Walking on Water, all good art is essentially Christian, since all things that are good come from God.  (Of course, I'm not saying my art is exactly good, either, but I'm working on it ;-)

I guess I've always seen God foremost as a grand artist.  When I was younger, I could literally see Him in everything, just like I was taught to see good and beauty in everything from bones to trees to animals to skyscrapers.  If those feelings have waned, it is because I am older and have lost a bit of the sense of innocence that we all have when we are younger.  Still, nothing has stopped me from seeing God's brush-strokes everywhere, from the rhythm of a city street to the melody of a Bob Dylan song.  I guess I'm just rambling here.  I just was thinking about my (somewhat weird) parents today and thought that I should thank them, because I know that the way I see God today is related to the fact that I was raised by artists, and that has done more good for me than a "normal" white-picket fence upbringing could have ever done.