8 posts tagged “getting inside jay's head”

Starting Monday, I will be in my last week of classes for the year. After that are final exams, and so, in less than twenty days, I will be home, and my freshman year of college will be completely over. Period. End of discussion. I really didn't know time could pass this quickly. It's simply unreal. I don't know if this will be my last post of the semester. I really hope it isn't, but just in case it is I wanted to get some things off my chest.

Last night I just decided to go through all of the pictures I had taken this past year. I also just wrote down all the random memories of the whole college experience that couldn't be captured in photographs. By the end of it, there was just this really strange (but familiar) rising in my chest. I guess "joy" is probably the best word for it.

By no means was this year perfect. I am still human, after all. I'm still a sinner, and I have sinned and felt the consequences of those sins in this past year. But I have also grown in my relationship with God. Where I am weak, He is strong. Where I have done wrong and hung my head in guilt and shame, He has been there to forgive me and get me back on my feet again. I can't even begin to describe how that feels sometimes. I'm not even sure there's a word for it. It just feels like grace.

I am trying right now, as hard as I can, to look upon this past year and take in everything that happened in equal regard. Both good and bad were part of the experience, because life is both good and bad. The bad helps us learn and grow, the good gives us something to look forward to and a reason to keep going. So I look back and remember both the cherished times with friends and the petty fights. I remember the spiritual highs and the lows. I remember the parties, the dances, the movies, the books, the classes, the quiet times, the loud times, the clubs, the coffee shops, the midnight runs to Target, the holidays, the deaths of family members and friends, the new life of my niece, my father and mother and brother and sister. I think back on it all.

Even if you aren't in college, I recommend that. I recommend just taking a moment and thinking back on your year. Think back on your entire life if it suits you. And do not judge it or weigh it or take any part as irrelevant. Because though some of it may not have been right or good, it all mattered. Every little event does something to shape who you are today. And if you like who you are today (and I certainly do) then you owe it all a nice big "Thank you."

And that's why right now I'm telling God, the Lord of my wondrous life, "Thank you." That's all, and that's enough. I'm telling all of you thank you, too, because you've been with me all this year and I hope you'll stay with me in the summer, and maybe next year too (we'll see if this blog lasts until then). I'm eternally grateful to everyone.

You know, the title was supposed to be a reference to the saying "All good things come to an end." It was supposed to be a reference to this year, which is sadly coming to a close. But you know what? It's not really ending. The memories, and the impact they have on me, are still with me, and they'll never be gone. I guess all good things just keep on going. Wonderful, ain't it? Have a blessed day, everyone.

There are a lot of negative attitudes that can be stumbling blocks on the walk of faith, but I've always thought that envy stood out in its own special way from a lot of them. Perhaps that's just because it's a sinful attitude that I myself deal with regularly. But I also think the nature of envy is somewhat unique, in that when you really get to thinking about it, it's really, really stupid.

I don't think it's odd for anyone to struggle with envy, especially if they're someone who's ever dealt with same-sex attraction. No matter what your beliefs, it's pretty natural to be jealous of those "normal" straight people. "Oh, how easy it must be for them!" right? No societal rejection, no words such as "abomination" attached to something they really, really want to do: an "easy ride." I've felt those feelings, and I'm sure I'm not the only one.

But for me, envy has often taken on several other dimensions. It has gone beyond being jealous of heterosexuals. That's really a starter, to be honest. If there's anything I'm envious of, it's people who I perceive to be "whole," and by whole I mean consistent. I find myself coveting the lives of people who, unlike me, don't seem to be stuck in the middle of the road, who aren't an amalgamation of several other beliefs and identities.

I am jealous of out-and-proud gay people because, though you can say what you want about them, you have to admit that they have guts, and it's nice to see someone comfortable with who they are (or perceive themselves to be). I'm also jealous of hardcore evangelical Christians who "fit in" with evangelical culture, who readily believe all the stuff from Answers in Genesis, who like Christian rock, who go to Christian colleges and get married, have babies, and vote Republican. I'm envious of both left-wing and right-wing radicals, because holding on to your beliefs no matter what takes courage (or at least a certain stubbornness that I can definitely identify with). I'm jealous of ex-gays who identify with everything Exodus speaks about, and I'm also jealous of ex-ex-gays who are still Christian despite their sexuality. I'm jealous of hardcore five-point Calvinists, and I'm also jealous of staunch Arminians.

Are we getting the picture here? I basically have this hang-up about being anyone other than myself. I want to be someone who believes what they believe 100%, yet the only belief I have like that is my belief in Christ. In everything else, I'm like a mosaic made of broken bits of glass. I'm half-gay, half-not gay, somewhat conservative, somewhat liberal, ex-gay critic, ex-ex-gay critic, half-Calvinist, half-Arminian, totally Christian, totally not into Christian culture, etc. etc.

I know that doesn't sound like the best description in the world. It sounds like I'm indecisive, but I really just don't identify with anything 100%. Here's the reason why I'm starting to become okay with that. Pretty much everything I've been jealous of, I have come to find, doesn't really exist.

Oh, of course it exists, but it doesn't exist as I've perceived it. No one, I've found, is entirely consistent in their thinking. Everyone takes the middle road sometimes about one issue or another, and everyone has personal experiences that take them out of their comfort zone a bit. That's why I think it's very stupid of me to want to be someone else. Just like no one really knows all my opinions, thought processes, or experiences, I don't know anyone else's. All I see is what's on the outside. I see glimpses, of course, in what the person says or does or wears, but just like those things don't define me, they also don't define other people. Sure, they make things easier. They make the world ordered and neat and simple, but the problem with that is that the world isn't ordered, neat, or simple. It's chaotic, an amalgamation, and people are like that too. We're all broken in one way or another, and we're darn lucky, I think, to have a God out there that loves us in our brokenness, that takes us no matter how weird we are (or perceive ourselves to be). Peace out, y'all.

I so copied this from Jus Me Again.  With permission, of course...

1. What is your favorite word?  Grace.
2. What is your least favorite word?  Take a good guess.  Ann Coulter said it recently, in case you didn't hear.  And if you didn't hear, where were you honey?  Tibet?
3. What turns you on (creatively, spiritually, emotionally?)  Spontaneity.
4. What turns you off?  Ignorance.
5. What is your favorite curse word?  Slut (usually said in an ironic reference to myself).
6. What sound or noise do you love?  My niece's laugh.
7. What sound or noise do you hate?  Thunder.
8. What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?  Lead singer for a Spanish band (check out the video below if you want to hear a track that's currently on "Loop" in my head).
9. What profession would you not like to do?  Politician.
10. If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?  Ernest Hemingway and C.S. Lewis have been waiting to talk to you.  There's a Tori Amos concert at nine.  Burt Bacharach is playing Thursday.  Here's your margarita, kiddo.

To get the ball rolling, I'd like to thank everyone for their thoughts and prayers this past week. It really means a lot to me, and if my family knew about this blog, I'm sure it would mean a lot to them, too. The service was beautiful. Though sad, ultimately it felt more like a celebration of a life well-lived, with a slight touch of "We'll see you soon" thrown in. Now I'm just hoping that my grandmother can get back on her feet, even though I know that she'll probably never be the same.

Well, to change the subject, I thought everyone would like to know how "Life to Life" went a week or so ago. I had planned on speaking about this sooner, but of course my family's circumstances got in the way. Now, I think I'm ready to speak about it. To tell the truth, it went easier than I thought it would. Like usual, I had made a bigger deal about it than the other guys did. In fact, I found that in telling my own life story, or even the story of my salvation, I found that my sexuality wasn't what I focused on. I mentioned it, of course, as a struggle that I had been presented with, but I found that there were many other things that I felt were greater struggles, and that I felt God had delivered me from in His grace.

One of the things that I haven't focused on in this blog, because I used to see it as irrelevant, was what a miserable person I was in high school. No, I wasn't sad. Perhaps miserly is more of a word to describe it. I was an isolated person. Yes, I had friends, and they were good friends that I'm very thankful for, but ultimately I was a mean-spirited and vindictive person. I wasn't a bully. I didn't pick fights with people. I think I was something worse. I was a gossiper.

Oh yes, if there was anything sordid going on at my high school, you could be sure that I knew about it or knew enough about it that I could make the rest up and pass it on as "fact." I had no respect for the private lives of others, and in some cases I actually used rumors to hurt others. I was not a nice person, and the fact that I had friends at all was strange to me. But then again, I kind of hung around with the "popular" -- or at least the well-known -- kids at school, and every group of cool kids needs its resident gossip. I'm sad to say that it was me.

Telling the guys in Bible study that part of my life was pretty hard. For one, it's hard to get people to want to trust you when you admit that keeping a secret was once the lowest thing on your priority list. Two, it's just hard admitting what a slimeball I was back then. Sure, I was nice. I worked hard. I played sports. I went to church. But there was this sneaky little part of me that just wanted to cause a stir. It was selfish, and proud, and altogether sinful. And, thank the Lord, I feel that I've been delivered from it.

Honestly, true change for me can be exemplified by the change in my demeanor from high school to college. The gossiping, the petty conflicts that I capitalized on, the squabbles: none of that appeals to me, and to tell the truth it disgusts me. Perhaps back then I was so in the closet that I wanted all rumors to deflect away from me, so I started them myself. Or maybe I was hurting due to the isolation that my sexuality brought on, so I tried to isolate others. Either way, something has been met in me that has stopped my acid tongue. I'm comfortable with who I am. I have friends that I trust and who trust me. Heck, I just found out today that I was nominated to represent my dorm as the nominee for the Snow Ball King later this month (and I haven't anything to wear...) I'm a totally different person now, and I thank God for that.

That, basically, is what I focused on in "Life to Life." It really wasn't the most interesting story. I realize just how lucky I have been compared to some of the other guys. I was raised in a loving Christian home. I had everything I needed or wanted growing up, and now I have a great relationship with Christ and great Christian fellowship. Truly, I can't complain.

P.S. -- Did I tell you guys that I'm headed to New Orleans over Spring Break? I'm in a group that's helping out with Hurricane Katrina relief. I'm so excited! :)

I used to get annoyed with bloggers who wrote posts about why they hadn't been blogging recently or why they wouldn't be blogging in the near future. Such posts seemed a little pointless to me, since a person's personal blog is not a newspaper and therefore has no obligation to satisfy its' readers' timetables.

But that was before I actually got into blogging. I started this thing out of simple curiosity -- and perhaps a little boredom. I wanted to chronicle my thoughts and somewhat unique perspectives on various things -- faith and sexuality mainly. I could have just used a simple journal for that, but I also wanted to hear contrasting opinions and/or advice. I guess the exhibitioist in me didn't just want my thoughts written down; it wanted them to be broadcasted. Hence this blog came into existence.

I swore at the beginning that I would only write when I had something outstanding to say -- some grand, controversial revelation that would change the way people saw the world. However, seeing as my last post was about the crush I have on one of my nerdy professors, it obviously didn't turn out that way. But that's not a bad thing. I like the fact that I can put pretty much anything on my blog. I can, in essence, give people a very intimate look into all my little quirks as well as my more defined opinions. Truth be told, by reading all of the posts on this blog, you probably have a more complete picture of me than some of my family and friends.

Obviously, when you become aware that there are people who "know" you that well, you want to keep them updated on what's going on in your life, hence the obligatory "upcoming blog silence" posts many bloggers use. You want to make sure that these intimate strangers know you haven't dropped off the face of the earth. You've just been busy, or, like me, you really just don't have anything amazing to write about. Yes, my life is back into a steady routine. Nothing much is happening here. Nothing in particular is challenging my views, nor are there any big events to write about. I'm just here. I'm alive, I'm happy, and I'm grateful that there are people all over who seem to care. Thanks guys. :)

Christmas is only ten days away! You know it! I'm packing up and heading out tomorrow morning. Pretty much everyone else in the dorm has already gone home, but of course somebody had to work the late shift at the front desk tonight. :) It's pretty dull here...far too quiet. I honestly don't know how I'm going to sleep tonight without the guy from New Jersey practicing his guitar chords right in front of my room.

But other than the lack of activity around here, it's been a pretty famous day (that's my new favorite word for expressing something positive--famous). I finished my last two exams and I think I did quite well on them (we'll see if I'm right or not in a few days). And I got to say goodbye to everybody at the dorm. Really, three weeks apart is quite a long time. And some of the people (like a few of the International students) are going back to their home countries. Chances are I'll never see them again.

That's not as painful to think about as you'd think, though. I believe I've just come to accept that there are certain people who just waltz into your life unexpectedly, shake things up a little bit, and then are gone just as quickly. Sure, it's a little sad, but you never know where that little bit of influence will come in further down the road. When you say goodbye to someone, and it hurts, it makes you realize that they've left a piece of themselves inside of you--even if your relationship wasn't anything more than sitting next to each other in US History. And it also means that you might have influenced others--in ways both small and big. The whole concept makes me a little self-conscious about my actions, and it also makes me grateful for the people in my life, both past and present, big and small.

Whoa. Sorry for the philosophical ramble. It's late. :) I guess it's just hitting me that my words have consequence. I mean, according to my StatCounter, I have people from Oregon to Taiwan checking out this blog. I know good and well it only takes a few heartfelt blog posts (I'm looking at you DM and Grace) to change a person's ideas and perspectives. I wonder who I'm changing. That sounds arrogant, but I don't mean it to be at all. Heck, I want to be a writer. My whole business is influence, is it not? But the scary thing--or perhaps the most beautiful--is that I have little if any control over what my influence might be. None of us do.

So, I've just decided to say what I think and write what I feel (and vice-versa). My first semester of college is over. I've met a lot of people, done some crazy things, written a lot of words (that were read by a lot of folks), and I've prayed a lot of prayers. There might be silence on this thing over Christmas break (after all, it's called Adventures of a Christian Collegian), but if anything important happens I'll let you know. If not, Merry Christmas everybody, and God bless. I'll hear from you on the flip-side. It's been a ride. :)

P.S. I thought of a good song to go along with this post.  If you haven't heard it before, you're in for a treat :)

Half Acre

Hem

You know, a few days ago I swore that my next post would be something lighthearted and funny, because the whole Calvinist/Arminian debate was emotionally taxing and, according to Peterson, sleep-inducing. :-) But, alas, I have some things on my chest that are applying a little too much pressure on my life right now. I don't think they're necessarily SSA-related. I think they're just aspects of my personality that would be evident right now no matter what my situation was. To put it simply, I just worry too darn much.

The future, for anyone, is a very uncertain thing. It is so abstract--so non-real--that according to C.S. Lewis in The Screwtape Letters, it is exactly the place where the Devil wants our attention to be focused. I guess I'm playing right into his hands, then, because my mind has been wandering into that trap of uncertainty recently. I guess it's not too abnormal a thing. Everybody wonders about their future. But I guess I just always think of my future in a negative light. Scratch that. I don't think about it--thinking would require a vision, a certain image of myself, and a course of action (or non-action) to go along with it. I just worry about it. Worry is just a feeling. A stupid (but not completely without merit) mantra such as "I'm going to be alone," or "I'm going to have a nervous breakdown." No thoughts attached, not really, at least not at first. They come later. I get this image of my brother and sister settling down and having lots of kids, and me being the only singleton at family gatherings. And my mother being disappointed because I won't give her a set of grandchildren. I worry about growing up to be being considered "the weird old guy" in my community because I'm not married (and hey, I know that's how unmarried men are often viewed). I worry about who's going to take care of me if I get sick. I just get saddened by the fact that I might not have a child.

But all these things are silly. By no means have I committed to celibacy for life. I'm fully open to having a relationship with a woman eventually--if, and only if, there is a mutual attraction. But I don't want to try and force it. If God wills it, I want it to be done. The problem is--I still want it done my way. I'm a control freak, really. I've always thought I had OCD, and not just because I spend ten minutes making my bed in the morning and won't leave the room unless it's at a time divisible by five (yep, I do those things :-/). I just want my life to be perfect--simple, neat, clean, and with myself in charge. Sometimes I think it could have been perfect, but God had to go and throw a monkey wrench in my gears. :-/ I know, no one's life is perfect, but as I've said before...I think I've been dealt a bad hand.

The only time I think of my future as positive is when I think of becoming a published writer. You know, childhood dreams coming true. Winning the Pulitzer Prize and getting #1 on the NY Times Bestseller List. Sitting down for interviews on The Today Show and Charlie Rose (Yep, I watch it :-) Becoming a New York intellectual, so that way no one's really going to notice if I don't have a partner, and I can devote my life to work instead of family. But, geez, aren't I setting my goals a bit high? The only way I'll be happy alone is if I'm famous? *Shrugs* I really don't know.

I feel kind of bad putting this all down here. It seems like all I do is whine to you all. But I need to get things off my chest (clean out my garage as Pam would say ;-). I've always tried to be the person people came to when they had problems. That's who I was in high school, at least. But now, I just want somebody to talk to, and there's nobody here I feel like opening up to like that. There's the blog; that's always good. I just don't want to have any relationships where I'm the taker and not the giver. It's pride, I guess. It's pride and worry and an unwillingness to give my future to God, even though I think He's the only person who can make sense of it.

Still, all in all I'm doing well. Life is good. Don't think I'm clinically depressed or something because I worry about my future. I'm still living in the present and making the most of it. I can't wait until Thanksgiving, and I attended an RA interest meeting tonight to see if I want to be an RA next year. That would keep me busy ;-) Peace be to all of you,

Jay