7 posts tagged “friends”

This is a long one, mainly because I’m at home and have nothing else to do. Enjoy!

This past weekend I had the opportunity to spend some time with my parents, my brother, his wife, and their daughter. It was really a great weekend. My brother, Rusty, is a very busy guy and we’re often separated by both distance and our own schedules, so it’s nice to get to spend some time with him. I used to see him all the time. Even after he moved away from home, he still worked at the high school that I attended, so I saw him every day and he was right there with me as I grew up. Because of this, we’re incredibly close. He’s much older than me, so in a lot of ways he’s like a second dad, and that makes me feel very blessed to have these types of mentors and guides around.

My close bonds with both my father and brother are mainly what has turned me off to the assertion that homosexuality is caused by a stunted or immature sense of masculinity. These guys have always supported me. I take the bonds I have with them, as a son and a brother, very seriously. I’ve always been assured that I was a man, even though I’m more artistic and gentler and stereotypically “feminine” than most guys. They’ve always been there for me. In fact, on the list of people that I felt comfortable “coming out” to, my brother and father were right at the top. Even after I’ve come out, they’ve continued to support me. It hasn’t changed our relationship at all, and in fact we’ve grown much, much closer.

Still, I am the youngest son and the little brother. I don’t mind those roles, of course, and I couldn’t help them. At the same time, it’s a little irritating to be the smallest. I don’t consider myself immature, nor do I see my sense of masculinity as such, but I still am young and so I still need advice and support every now and then. It’s nice to know that people have my back, but every now and then I want to know that I can have someone else’s back, and more importantly, that someone else needs me to have their back. Yes, I have my father and brother’s backs, but let’s be honest here: they don’t need my advice or opinion on much, since usually that type of advice is shaped by what they’ve raised up in me.

So, among my friends I’ve usually seen myself as a “big brother” type figure. I try to be the guy that has other people’s backs, who can spout off good advice and that people can come to when they just need someone to talk and listen. I think some people add this to my somewhat “feminine” nature and think that I’m being motherly, which is fine by me because it’s led to some good jokes on my friends’ part, but it’s not what I’m going for. I have a natural urge to care and look out for people, because I’ve always been cared and looked out for and I want to give that back. I just want to do it in a way that is distinctly brotherly. I think that requires a bit more personal space than mothering done. A brother looks out for you, but mainly he only does it so you can look out for yourself. This is also, incidentally, I think one of the main reasons I want to be a teacher.

Being a generally brotherly figure is something I try to do, then, but I didn’t think anyone would notice. Most guy friends are seen as being brotherly anyway, even when they’re being friends to girl (I have a lot of sisters out there, I guess). I was surprised, then, when one of my close friends recently took to calling me “brother” and “big bro.” Usually, the only person I address as “brother” is my actual brother, Rusty. He calls me the same as well (in English or in Spanish, which is kind of a weird quirk we have). It’s kind of an exclusive term, to the point where I don’t usually like when other guys call me “bro” (even in a Christian setting. I know we’re all spiritual brothers out there, but come on now).

Anyway, this friend is named Shane (well, not really, but for the purposes of anonymity he will be). He’s not the kind of friend that I would have expected to have. He lived in the dorm where I work, so that’s how we met. He’s a Buddhist, and also gay. We don’t really have much in common, but we became friends anyway. I was dating Hitch when we first started getting to know each other, and through that situation I explained to him my views about sexuality, religion, and celibacy. He didn’t agree, of course, but he was respectful (I’ve found that to be the case with most gay guys, actually. It’s a lot of my Christian guy friends who have problems for some reason). When Hitch and I broke up, he was there for me, even though I was doing okay and realized that dating Hitch probably wasn’t the best decision I could have made to start with (even though I don’t regret it because it taught me a lot of important lessons).

Now Shane had had a pretty rough year that year, mainly because he, like so many other freshmen, had come to college and decided to be a little too rebellious since he was finally away from home. He made some bad decisions, in both academics and relationships, and through it all I tried to give him the best advice I could, while being there to help him when he stumbled. It’s not quite the same situation as helping a Christian friend, because a lot of the beliefs and views are different, and thus solutions are also different. But still, I did what I could, and always showed him that I was there for him if he needed me.

We’ll be roommates in my apartment next year, and it should be interesting. Shane says I can be a little annoying sometimes, but he says he knows I care, which is why he started calling me “brother.” I call him the same thing, and it’s the first guy that I’ve actually felt was worthy of the title. My relationship with him isn’t totally based off helping him, of course, because he can put me in my place quite often as well. I haven’t made any headway into helping him become Christian or renounce gay sex, but I’m really trying to leave those particular things in God’s hands. He knows what I think, so I’m not going to pester him about it. That really would be annoying of me. Just knowing that two people who are so different can call each other brothers is quite a jump in itself, I think. Maybe a brotherly approach is something Christians should use to reach out more often.

Whew, that was long. Peace out, everybody.

So, my home computer doesn't like Vox, so the posts I wrote over Christmas Break weren't posted here.  Here are links to them from blogger.  I only wrote two.  Here's one, and here's the other.  If you'd like to comment on one of them, either comment on Blogger or comment on this post.  Just clarify what you're talking about or it will get really confusing.  Sigh, it's good to be back at college, if only just for the Internet!

The other day I was reading La Shawn Barber's blog and stumbled upon this piece about evangelism. I found it very interesting, and it raised a lot of questions about the emphasis that I put on evangelism in my Christian experience. Needless to say, I find straight-up evangelism a little awkward and difficult. So do most Christians my age, it seems. The Campus Crusade conference I attended was full of seminars on how to evangelize. They gave us tons of tips, tricks, and icebreakers to use, but in the end it all seemed too complicated for me. I've always felt that evangelism, like other aspects of Christianity, should be relatively simple when you get down to it.

But evangelism isn't simple, at least not for me. It's hard to share the Gospel with unbelievers, especially if they are friends. Some people will smile politely and tell you how flattered they are that you care about them, but then will say they think you're wrong. Others won't even be polite, but will get downright offended. Honestly, it's hard dealing with that kind of rejection. For a Christian, the Gospel is a part of you, and when someone rejects it, it's not hard to take it personally.

I think a lot of Christian kids look for "easy" ways to deliver the Gospel, in an attempt to share it truthfully but without people getting offended. I'm not sure there is such a method, though. Aside from that, they can get a little too caught up in wanting to see the fruits of their work immediately. Sure, it's great (and not too difficult) to say, "Christ died for us while we were yet sinners." A lot of people will believe that, actually, but will they take it to heart? Will they ask Him into their hearts? Will they be saved? Will they start going to church and getting involved? Will they start spreading the Gospel themselves?

Those kinds of questions can be difficult. I think if one thing has bothered me more than my own assurance, it's the assurance of people I know and love. Simply put, there are many people that I don't want to be missing from Heaven, and I can get too caught up with whether or not they are saved that I don't focus on my own salvation enough.

Later on in her post, Ms. Barber made this remark, which I liked: There is no such thing as failed evangelism. If we don’t “win the soul” of the person we’re sharing the Gospel with at a given moment, we have not failed. It’s God’s business who he saves.

This is very true, and I suppose I have to remember that just because I never see a person come to Christ, that doesn't mean they never will. Like I said, some Christians I know have a problem, in that they share the Gospel once and then then throw their hands up in the air if they don’t see immediate results. Sometimes, I suppose, our evangelism is just a small link in a chain of Christ’s calling, the full effects of which might not be felt in that person’s life until years later... After we've moved on.

I know I’ll probably always struggle with friends of mine who continue to be nonbelievers despite my evangelism. I hope and pray that they will one day come to Christ… That He will call them to Him. And I continue to share the Gospel with them at every appropriate opportunity. Perhaps I’ll never in this lifetime be assured of their salvation, but I can’t lie and say that there aren't people I care for deeply who I really want to see in Heaven!

Today was very cold and rainy, and that naturally put me in a reflective mood.  Granted, I'm in a reflective mood 80-90% of the time anyway, but today was the first time in a long time I had sat down and taken time to take it all in.  I stayed indoors, and my usual list of things to do was much more sparse than usual.  One of the first things I thought about was how much I had changed since this time last year.  Last year my free time was mostly spent bumming around the blogosphere, searching for articles concerning politics and sexuality that I could read, critique, and possibly blog about.  I was constantly thinking, arguing, and commenting.  My social life was active, but it mostly consisted of late-night partying and weekend clubbing.  Unlike other social activities, the only thing those get in the way of is sleep.  My class schedule was easy, and I breezed through most of my courses.  It was a good year, but this year is very, very different.  I think it's changed for the better in some ways, and for the worse in others.

From an outsider's perspective, my social life is less active than it was last year.  In my view, however, it's better.  What it lacks in content it more than makes up for in substance, if that makes sense.  I simply got tired ot clubbing and bar-hopping last year, and looking back it really wasn't that good for me.  I met a lot of interesting people and had some good memories which I wouldn't trade for anything, but overall I've grown out of that scene.  Now my social life is "normal," just the way I wanted it.  I meet people for coffee or dinner, play video games with my roommates, go to church every sunday, catch movies, work, go to Campus Crusade, and spend time with my boyfriend.  When I'm not doing that stuff, I'm just working on the multitude of papers and applications for various classes, summer programs, and jobs.

Naturally, my blogging career has been put on hold.  It's a shame, but I really don't watch the news anymore.  Generally, I don't read up on what's going on in the big gay/ex-gay debate.  Last week I found a website that drew my ire.  Last year I would have spent two or three really long posts picking apart its flaws.  This year I wrote a short post saying that it made me angry, and that was it.  On the one hand, I'm glad that my life has settled down into a content normalcy.  On the other hand, I miss the chances that I used to have to be bold and say or do something outrageous or controversial.  So, I have normalcy... I just don't want it to turn into complacency.  Does anyone else have this problem?  This nice, quiet life is what I said I wanted all last year.  I really do like it.  I just want to keep its comfort while at the same time not letting it blind me to all the issues on which I could add my ideas.  Have a blessed day, everyone!

Okay, I've decided that until more interesting stuff develops in my relationship with Hitch, I'm not going to blog about it, just because you probably don't want to hear all the confusing details of my scatterbrained thoughts on the issue. What I will blog about, though, is how certain friends are being great right now, just by taking the time to listen to the ramblings going on in my head.

Only a few people (in the so-called real world) know of my decision to remain celibate and my conservative interpretation of the Bible's passages on homosexuality. When Hitch first asked me out on a date, I went to four of these friends for advice. Two were girls, two were guys, two were conservative, two were liberal, and all were Christian. As expected, I got a variety of views, but the one piece of advice that they all agreed on was, "Be honest." It was good advice, because that's exactly what I aim to be.

One of the friends I went to was a guy from my Bible study named Austin. He's a really cool guy. He's very trustworthy and a natural leader, and it was the aura of trust around him that made him one of the first people I came out to when I got to college. Granted, we're not really good friends. We don't have anything in common except for our love of Christ. He's definitely a big, tough guy while I, of course, have admitted to having a little more "sugar in my step." ;-)

Nevertheless, it's easy to talk to him, and he's a great listener. I told him of my concerns, and he asked many questions about what I was looking for in the relationship, what I believed in terms of God's plan for human sexuality, and how I expected to go about reconciling the two. He's conservative and agrees with most of my choices, and he said that I could trust that he wouldn't tell anyone else in the Bible study. My response was that I didn't care who he told.

I have no shame in my struggles, nor do I have shame in my orientation. If my story can help end some of the bigotry and prejudice that, unfortunately, abounds in Evangelical circles, then I don't care if it's shouted from the rooftops. Of course, whenever I express this, I'm always warned that I should be "careful" when it comes to who I talk to. I don't think that should happen. I hold transparency in the highest esteem, and I think it's a shame that most Christians don't.

How can we really share our struggles and the joys that God has blessed us with if we're only advised to "get personal" with one or two people? Can't I be personal with everyone? Can't I tell someone exactly what's going on in my life, even if I don't know them that well? To me, the very bond of being a Christian should mean that there will be automatic trust, concern, and a lack of judgment whenever I share something with other believers. It's a shame that other people don't expect this.

When I'm in some Christian circles, I just get the feeling that everyone is plastic. Sure, they have struggles. But they don't share them. They might have one or two people whom they trust, but otherwise there's this veneer of happiness and joy. No one wears their emotions on their sleeves. That, or they genuinely are that happy all the time. I don't buy that.

Being transparent is hard. There is, of course, a balance that must be found between being open and being polite and appropriate. But some people take politeness to the extreme, to the point where they just seem too perfect. It's almost intimidating. Personally, I've always worn my emotions on my sleeve. I can't really hide or back down or pretend that I'm someone I'm not. If I can be myself around God, why can't I be myself around His Christians? Yes, I understand that lacking an "outer shell" makes my personality seem unstable. I know that in this blog alone I've described myself as shy, ambitious, energetic, mellow, ditsy, and intellectual. It just depends on how I feel at the time. But at least those things are mine, and not something that I've had to build.

What are your thoughts on transparency? How open should we be with other Christians? For bloggers, how open should we be on our blogs? Sometimes I get concerned that I share too much here, but it is an easy place to be oneself. Hope everyone is blessed, and apologies for the rambling, spastic tone of the post. It's a Thursday. :)

Tonight I just finished reading Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, the seventh and final installment of the Harry Potter series of fantasy (but not children's) novels. I've been reading off and on for the past week. Obviously, when you are in charge of kids all day, you don't find much time to read. Then again, the book was fabulous (how could it not be?) so it was a quick read. There won't be any (major) spoilers in this post, so you can read on even if you haven't finished the book yet.

I found the book to be the most literary of the series. Although all of them are wonderful stories with fascinating characters and suspenseful, gripping plots, the last book had the marks of classic literature: complex and intriguing characters, rich language, and most importantly, a definite, well-rounded theme. Without spoiling too much (it is, after all, in the title), the theme of the book was death, and how different people deal with that single most inevitable part of life. Author J.K. Rowling has been alluding to this theme for the entire series, but never has it been so brought into focus. Never has it been spoken of in such a philosophical sense, and never have the characters (or, for that matter, Ms. Rowling) so boldly stated their different views of death. It is an awesome book, and I nearly cried when I finished it.

I consider myself a writer, although I have not really published anything. I used to write for a school newspaper, I write for the blog, I've written a few short stories and poems, I've written a novel and I am working (on and off) on a second. Writing is simply what I enjoy doing, and if I keep at it, I'm sure that I will be published in some way, shape, or form. So I might as well call myself a writer now, right? ;-)

My main genre of interest is fantasy, and Harry Potter probably has a lot to do with that. I don't think it's a stretch to say that J.K. Rowling's books have influenced my writing. They have probably influenced the writing of many future fantasy authors. I don't mean that in the low sense of mimicry. I'm sure you have all seen plenty of authors trying to emulate Rowling's success by writing about young people who all of a sudden realize they have special, magical powers.

It not the plot or the situations of Harry Potter that I would try to emulate; it is the themes of friendship, family, and love. Some of my favorite scenes in the series were the scenes where Harry would be at the Weasleys' house, or with members of the Order of the Phoenix, or maybe just with Ron and Hermione. Rowling knows how to write about the comfort that family and friends can bring, and during those scenes it literally jumped out of the page for me. It is scenes like that that I try to put into my books, and I can say that if it was not for Rowling, I probably wouldn't be doing that. It's not that Harry Potter made me appreciate family and friends; it's just that before reading those books, I would never have thought that such quiet, warm scenes would make for good reading.

Well, those are my reflections on the Harry Potter books. Maybe now with them read and out of the way, I can start writing again! Once I'm out of camp, of course... Hope everyone is doing well!

Jay

I am terribly sorry that I didn't "live blog" from New Orleans as promised. The hotel where we stayed did not offer free Internet access (I could buy it for $5.00 an hour, though: yeah right). To be honest, I probably wouldn't have blogged even if I could have. There was simply too much to do and I was too tired most nights. Therefore, I hope this little wrap-up will do justice to that absolutely amazing week.

I might as well start off at the beginning: the sixteen-hour drive we had to take to get from NC to Nawlins. Raised in a somewhat Bohemian household, I know how to appreciate the wonders of travel and being on the road (5AM gas station runs, heading to fast-food places right before closing time, etc.) Still, it is a little tiring after awhile, especially when all you're seeing is hours of indistinguishable interstate. The best part of the drive was the great music I listened to from everyone's mixtapes. As soon as I got back to NC, you best believe I started downloading some Imogen Heap, Iver, The Appleseed Cast (Peregrine rocks!), Modest Mouse, and the soundtrack to Wicked (Idina Menzel is a stage goddess, by the way).

The organization that I went to New Orleans with was my campus' chapter of Campus Crusade for Christ, an excellent group that I've written about before and am blessed to have found. There were over 300 volunteers from "Cru" in New Orleans for Spring Break, some driving from as far away as Maine and California. We all stayed in the downtown Hilton, a hotel that seemed rather ritzy for a bunch of college-aged volunteers (of course, we later learned that "Cru" was given a discount, as are many other volunteer groups). I'll admit it was very nice and I hadn't been looking forward to sleeping in tents like the volunteers last year did anyway. However, it felt wrong to return to a hotel with two heated pools, tennis courts, and lavish room service every night after viewing the utter devastation that most of the city was still dealing with.

And Nawlins was definitely devastated. I was expecting there to have been a lot more rebuilt than what actually turned out to be the case. The majority of the houses have barely been touched since Katrina, and from the estimates I've heard, only about a fourth of the city's original population has returned. It was sad, and almost overwhelming, to see the devastation. Driving around in the Ninth Ward was like being in an abandoned, war-torn city. There was literally nothing there except rubble and the remnants of houses. I almost cried.

I almost cried after finishing my week of volunteer work, too, but that was because I was really sad that it was ending. My team (of about 15 students) did a little bit of everything throughout the week, from house gutting to yard work to cleaning up the cafeteria and playground at an elementary school. I met such a wonderful sampling of people, and the hope I could see in them was almost too much to bear. There was a man who lost his album collection (of over 200,000) and Catholic man with a Jewish fiancee who were going to get married in the garden of their newly reconstructed house (by an "Episcopalian Wiccan" friend of theirs, no less). There was a very chatty waitress at Cafe du Monde and several cafeteria ladies with thick Creole accents, and an old woman who knew everything about everybody in her neighborhood, and a Baptist minister who led us in prayer and then fixed pina colada smoothies for us after we had finished working. And then there were some AmeriCorps hippies who were living in a warehouse downtown and who invited us to a bonfire on our last night (where we also heard a musician named "Sista Otis" play).

It was, in a word, magical. And the whole experience brought me closer to God and closer to other people. I'm sure I missed something profound that happened, because there was so much that was important to me that I can't fit it all in one post. All I know is that it was a great time, and I definitely want to go back. Peace out.

P.S. I have a lot of post ideas hitting me right now, so check back every other day or so for them. I promise I'll get them done this time. Nawlins really energized me to, you know, do that "W" word. :)

Seriously, that's the only way to describe how I've been feeling since I posted last. No, this isn't one of those over-dramatic teen angst spells like I wrote about in "Bad Few Days" (is that your sighs of relief I hear? ;-) I'm not feeling unhappy or particularly anxious. I'm just...blah. Y'know? I mean, I'm usually a pretty upbeat person: early-to-bed (which, in college, usually translates to 12:30 AM), early-to-rise (again, in college time that's 9:30 AM), energetic, social, goofy, just-might-break-out-into-a-showtune-at-any-random-moment kind of guy.

But not recently. I don't think I've spoken more than two sentences to anyone all day (of course, no one's exactly tried to engage me in conversation, but whatev). I've been pretty scatterbrained in class, haven't been really motivated to, y'know, do stuff (like write in my newest novel perhaps? Man that thing is getting neglected), and I don't even feel very enthused about the weather (it's gorgeous, by the way, and usually I'd be begging someone to go take a bike-ride with me right about now but...nope, no motivation).

Oh well, it's just a little funk ;-) Perhaps it's the beginning symptoms of the cold that's been spreading around the dorm faster than kudzu. Gosh I hope not. I hate being sick at home; I can't imagine how it would be if I'm sick here.

Either way, tonight should be helpful. There's a "fancy dinner night" that someone organized for our floor, so everyone's going to go to an "expensive" seafood restaurant ("expensive" meaning expensive for college kids--we might have to pay $15-$20 a piece). It's actually a pretty nice restaurant, or so I've heard. It's on a pier and overlooks the ocean, so you can't do much more in the way of atmosphere, in my opinion. All the girls are excited and some have used it as an opportunity to buy new dresses (or at least ask me about which dresses they should wear--yep, I haven't done much to break that stereotype, but it's not my fault if I have good fashion sense ;-) And basically the guys are trying to figure out if jeans can be incorporated into "dress attire," to which I give a resounding NO!

Oh well, I'm looking forward to it. Food, friends, and fun: how can I feel "blah" after that? Peace y'all.

Jay