15 posts tagged “college life”

I just realized that in thirty days I will be back at school. No, class isn't starting that early. I'm going to be a Resident Adviser (RA) on campus, in an apartment complex for upperclassmen that opens several weeks before the rest of campus opens. Thus, I have to be on campus about a full month before class begins, training for my new job, but basically not doing a lot.

I've written before about how I like new beginnings. Well, new school years are no different, especially ones (like this upcoming one) that will involve new jobs, new roommates, and a new place to live. I'm really looking forward to next year, because I think it will give me a good opportunity to grow into the person that I want to be, a person who is hopefully also who God wants me to be.

I don't want to say that I've wasted my first two years of college. I know good and well I haven't. My experiences have made me who I am today, and I like that person (and reading back over all my old posts, I've realized just how much these last two years have changed me and helped me grow). At the same time, I feel like I've been a bit too passive. I have a pretty clear image of the man I want to be, and yet I haven't done much work to make myself that guy. This is actually a pretty convicting feeling. I remember when I first made a decision - a serious decision - to quit looking at pornography. I realized that before then, I had just been waiting around, hoping for the temptations to be taken away from me. God doesn't work like that; He expects us to work, and work I had to do (and still have to do) to remain pure in that area.

Basically, I'm trying to change the direction of my life. I feel as I've been coasting up to this point. I know that sounds too melodramatic. I mean, a MySpace page has just about as much depth. But in truth, I've just been getting a bit of a conviction that it's time I "put up or shut up" about certain things. Some of them are sinful habits or thought patterns that don't do me a lick of good and that I've been hanging on to for no good reason other than the fact that I'm used to them (and I'm not necessarily talking about sexuality-related stuff, either).

Some of these things I need to "put up or shut up" on are trivial. Like, I want to write more. Well, that means I need to write. I want to play the guitar. Well, that means I need to practice. I want to be healthier. Well, that means I need to get off my butt and get to the gym (that might be the hardest one, by the way. Even when the ever-so-handsome Hitch invited me to go work out with him while we were together I always found a way out of it).

And some are less trivial. I want to be pure? Well, I need to work on purity instead of just sitting around, hoping that God strikes me with lightning and makes me a perfect Christian man for whom chastity isn't a problem (does such a man even exist?) I want to be firm in my faith, able to defend it against my own insecurities, and not subject to as many doubts and flights of fancy? Well, I need to actually read some good theology books instead of just reading some snippets on blogs online. Oh, and "putting up or shutting up" in terms of reading the Bible (I still haven't read all of it) would also be a welcome change.

So, basically I have a bunch of resolutions for the school year. These aren't anything new, and I very well could fail at one or all of them (but I'm not going to be defeatist this early on in the game). I do know, however, that though my first two years of college definitely weren't wasted, there were some things about them that I'm ready to move on from. Like, I've had a boyfriend, so the constant pining about never having romance in my life is out the window (especially since I learned that romance in itself isn't what I really wanted anyway). Also, by now I have a great set of friends and family who love me (and who I love), so the constant self-centered and annoying worries about loneliness also need to go out the door. And like I said, these things won't happen on their own, but I have a great conviction that if I "put up or shut up" about them, things will change for me.

All in God's will and timing, though. I must remember that, as well.

This is a long one, mainly because I’m at home and have nothing else to do. Enjoy!

This past weekend I had the opportunity to spend some time with my parents, my brother, his wife, and their daughter. It was really a great weekend. My brother, Rusty, is a very busy guy and we’re often separated by both distance and our own schedules, so it’s nice to get to spend some time with him. I used to see him all the time. Even after he moved away from home, he still worked at the high school that I attended, so I saw him every day and he was right there with me as I grew up. Because of this, we’re incredibly close. He’s much older than me, so in a lot of ways he’s like a second dad, and that makes me feel very blessed to have these types of mentors and guides around.

My close bonds with both my father and brother are mainly what has turned me off to the assertion that homosexuality is caused by a stunted or immature sense of masculinity. These guys have always supported me. I take the bonds I have with them, as a son and a brother, very seriously. I’ve always been assured that I was a man, even though I’m more artistic and gentler and stereotypically “feminine” than most guys. They’ve always been there for me. In fact, on the list of people that I felt comfortable “coming out” to, my brother and father were right at the top. Even after I’ve come out, they’ve continued to support me. It hasn’t changed our relationship at all, and in fact we’ve grown much, much closer.

Still, I am the youngest son and the little brother. I don’t mind those roles, of course, and I couldn’t help them. At the same time, it’s a little irritating to be the smallest. I don’t consider myself immature, nor do I see my sense of masculinity as such, but I still am young and so I still need advice and support every now and then. It’s nice to know that people have my back, but every now and then I want to know that I can have someone else’s back, and more importantly, that someone else needs me to have their back. Yes, I have my father and brother’s backs, but let’s be honest here: they don’t need my advice or opinion on much, since usually that type of advice is shaped by what they’ve raised up in me.

So, among my friends I’ve usually seen myself as a “big brother” type figure. I try to be the guy that has other people’s backs, who can spout off good advice and that people can come to when they just need someone to talk and listen. I think some people add this to my somewhat “feminine” nature and think that I’m being motherly, which is fine by me because it’s led to some good jokes on my friends’ part, but it’s not what I’m going for. I have a natural urge to care and look out for people, because I’ve always been cared and looked out for and I want to give that back. I just want to do it in a way that is distinctly brotherly. I think that requires a bit more personal space than mothering done. A brother looks out for you, but mainly he only does it so you can look out for yourself. This is also, incidentally, I think one of the main reasons I want to be a teacher.

Being a generally brotherly figure is something I try to do, then, but I didn’t think anyone would notice. Most guy friends are seen as being brotherly anyway, even when they’re being friends to girl (I have a lot of sisters out there, I guess). I was surprised, then, when one of my close friends recently took to calling me “brother” and “big bro.” Usually, the only person I address as “brother” is my actual brother, Rusty. He calls me the same as well (in English or in Spanish, which is kind of a weird quirk we have). It’s kind of an exclusive term, to the point where I don’t usually like when other guys call me “bro” (even in a Christian setting. I know we’re all spiritual brothers out there, but come on now).

Anyway, this friend is named Shane (well, not really, but for the purposes of anonymity he will be). He’s not the kind of friend that I would have expected to have. He lived in the dorm where I work, so that’s how we met. He’s a Buddhist, and also gay. We don’t really have much in common, but we became friends anyway. I was dating Hitch when we first started getting to know each other, and through that situation I explained to him my views about sexuality, religion, and celibacy. He didn’t agree, of course, but he was respectful (I’ve found that to be the case with most gay guys, actually. It’s a lot of my Christian guy friends who have problems for some reason). When Hitch and I broke up, he was there for me, even though I was doing okay and realized that dating Hitch probably wasn’t the best decision I could have made to start with (even though I don’t regret it because it taught me a lot of important lessons).

Now Shane had had a pretty rough year that year, mainly because he, like so many other freshmen, had come to college and decided to be a little too rebellious since he was finally away from home. He made some bad decisions, in both academics and relationships, and through it all I tried to give him the best advice I could, while being there to help him when he stumbled. It’s not quite the same situation as helping a Christian friend, because a lot of the beliefs and views are different, and thus solutions are also different. But still, I did what I could, and always showed him that I was there for him if he needed me.

We’ll be roommates in my apartment next year, and it should be interesting. Shane says I can be a little annoying sometimes, but he says he knows I care, which is why he started calling me “brother.” I call him the same thing, and it’s the first guy that I’ve actually felt was worthy of the title. My relationship with him isn’t totally based off helping him, of course, because he can put me in my place quite often as well. I haven’t made any headway into helping him become Christian or renounce gay sex, but I’m really trying to leave those particular things in God’s hands. He knows what I think, so I’m not going to pester him about it. That really would be annoying of me. Just knowing that two people who are so different can call each other brothers is quite a jump in itself, I think. Maybe a brotherly approach is something Christians should use to reach out more often.

Whew, that was long. Peace out, everybody.

Wow... I finished my last exam today. Now all I have to do is finish up a few little things and pack my belongings, and I'm done with my second year in college. It's very possible that my undergraduate career is half over (of course, it's equally possible that I might become a fifth-year senior; it's pretty common nowadays). Either way, I simply can't understand how time has passed by so quickly.

At the same time, I don't think time has passed so quickly at all. It's weird how two years can see fast and slow at the same time. I think people really over-emphasize the speed at which life passes. Sure, I remember my first day of college like it was yesterday. That, however, was a landmark event in my life, so it's natural it would be etched into my memory a bit more. The same goes with any landmark event, really. I remember lots of things like they just happened.

When I think back on these past two years, and I mean really think about them, they honestly don't seem that fast at all. So much has happened, only a fraction of which has been chronicled in this blog (or in my own handwritten journal, for that matter). It actually kind of amazes me how much stuff has been crammed into these two years. I have learned so much, met so many people, and grown so much that I don't really feel like the same person that I was two years ago.

I've often heard people use the cliche expression "appreciate your time" when talking to me (or people my age) about college. It's a true enough expression, yet at the same time I don't feel that I could do anything other than appreciate my time. I'm here, and this is what's happening, and I have no choice but to appreciate it by simply living. Maybe some people live without appreciating their situation, but for me, it almost comes naturally.

Maybe what they mean is to spend time doing things that you won't regret. I can certainly understand that, but regrets are a tricky business. There are probably many situations that were not good for me over the past two years, yet at the same time they have all helped me grow into the person that I am today, and I like that person a lot. Even though my college experience so far hasn't been completely perfect (nothing ever is), I still am glad for it.

Anyway, all of this is basically just to say that I have been in college for two years. Wow. I have also been maintaining this blog for about that same amount of time as well, and am equally grateful and appreciative for all of you people who (for one reason or another) have been reading. Thank you for everything. I'll be going back home soon, which means I'll be back on a dial-up connection. I still will try to blog, though, and I hope you all have a great summer!

I realized the other day that "musician" is one of the words that I use to describe myself in my Blogger profile. However, I've never really clarified what I mean by "musician." At the time I wrote the profile, I was learning to play guitar, and I assumed that by the end of that year I would be fairly good. That, I'm afraid, was a poor assumption. I simply did not have the time to continue practicing guitar, and I did not have enough passion for the instrument to make time to learn it.

However, I still consider myself a "musician" in some ways. I come from a very musical family. My dad actually is a musician, and music of all types could always be heard in the atmosphere of my home. I'm always listening to something, singing something, or humming the tune to some very random, off-the-wall song. I don't know how well I can sing in comparison to other people (although I do know that I can carry a tune), but I know that I certainly like to sing, and that's enough for me.

Anyway, this love of singing helped me sign up for a karaoke competition that my college is doing. In a knock-off of "American Idol," the contest held auditions in each of the dorms and apartment complexes across campus. One contestant will be selected from each area, and later this month all the contestants will sing a song, karaoke-style, in front of over 1,000 people. There's a pretty nice prize for the winner, so I thought it couldn't hurt to try out.

I auditioned last night. There were only about seven people from my apartment complex signed up, so the competition wasn't too large, I suppose. I sang Marvin Gaye and Tammi Terrell's "Ain't No Mountain High Enough." Oddly enough, I wasn't nervous at all going in. I am rarely nervous, actually. However, as I was singing my heart started to flutter, and my voice cracked a little about halfway through the song. I finished the best I could, and left a little embarrassed. At least I had fun hanging out with the other contestants while I was waiting for my turn!

Anyway, I doubt I'll win my area. Some of the girls that were auditioning could really sing and took voice lessons. Either way, I'm surprised that the thought of winning, which means I'll have to perform in front of a huge crowd, doesn't bother me at all. In fact, I'd really like the opportunity to perform in front of a huge auditorium full of people. Isn't that strange for someone who, in a lot of ways, considers himself shy? Perhaps performing is different than normal social situations.

I'm certainly a quiet person in my day-to-day life. I'm involved in tons of stuff and try to talk to everyone, but I don't really say much of substance, if you know what I mean. I'm a bit plain, even though I'm involved. That's fine with me. It's my personality. It's just not exactly the kind of personality that one would expect from someone who likes the thought of being a performer. I mean, I'm applying to be on the next season of "Survivor," yet I consider myself quiet and plain.

Am I just a little delusional, or is it really possible to be shy, yet at the same time willing to show your bare essence -- whether it be through stage, music, writing, or television -- to groups of total strangers? It's weird. I guess I just have a tendency to wear lots of different personalities and hats, depending on the situations and company. Maybe I have a split personality. :)

Well, thanks for reading this random introspection. Hope you all have a great day!

Hey guys! It's finally November, which is one of my favorite months for no apparent reason. I guess I've always been a fan of autumn, and autumn weather doesn't really start hitting North Carolina until about mid-November, and even that's up to debate. Other than the weather, I'm just pretty content with my life right now. I wouldn't say that I've ever been too discontent, but things just seem to be better than usual right now. Of course, they also seem to be busier than usual. I have a lot of cool things that I'm doing (or should be doing) and they have really been challenging me to organize my time and prioritize the things that mean the most to me. Here's a rundown.

1. I'm participating in National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo). It's one of those things that I always say I'm going to do but never get around to. The goal is to write a 50,000 word novel by the end of November. This, of course, requires that I write eight pages a day, and I'm already behind. The novel I'm working on is a "spiritual successor" to my 2005 novel Whaler. It doesn't follow a similar plot or have any of the same characters, but I'm keeping the style the same. I'm really excited. It probably won't be a good novel, but it will get me back in the creative process and that's always fun.

2. I'm applying to be a Resident Assistant (RA) for one of the dorms on campus next year. With any luck, I'll be an RA in the same building that my brother was when he was at this college. That would be cool. I'm already copying his major and career, so I might as well copy him in other aspects as well. :)

3. Various social activities are popping up all over the place. I seem to be in far too many campus organizations and they all require more time than I have. Between planning movie nights, helping out with Halloween Carnivals, going to my Cru Bible study, leading my own independent Bible study, and working on stuff for my teaching internship, it's a wonder I'm finding time for my close friends. Luckily, I am. I'm also keeping in better touch with friends and family back home (thanks Facebook!) I'm also keeping in touch with lots of "Internet friends" that I've met through this blog and others, and they're really a blessing to me.

And of course, there's also a certain someone who gets top priority when it comes to people I want to spend time with, at least for now. ;-)

4. Oh yeah, there's that thing about classes too. I don't know how many times I've had to cut an AIM conversation short because I was "working on a paper." In fact, I don't know when the last night was when I didn't have a paper to work on. Summer camp, maybe? I registered for my spring semester yesterday, and it's not going to be an easier workload like I had hoped.

So, you might have gotten the suspicion that blogging will be slow this month, if it exists at all. That, I must say, will probably be the case. Granted, all of the above things could probably make some interesting posts, and if I have the time to post something, I will. Otherwise, I think I'm going to devote myself to living life instead of blogging life for a while. I'll always be around for comments, e-mails, and other people's blogs, though. That's part of my entertainment. :)

Tell me, does life ever slow down from here? It's November and I came to school in August. It doesn't feel like that, though. I don't want my college years to fly before my eyes. Honestly, they're just too cool to do that. I wake up every day thanking God for the chances He has given me, and I pray that He doesn't let me waste them. Those chances, after all, are not only my opportunities but His as well. I pray that He uses me to represent Him in all the varied aspects of my life. I'm listening for Him. I hope you guys are, too. Have a great day!

Oh, and I hope you enjoy this song. It's a cheesy pop song about falling in love (which, being a cheesy romantic myself, is always a good thing), but I think it relates to loving God as well. I don't know why, I just thought that when I first heard it. It's called "So Much Love" by The Rocket Summer. Enjoy!

Okay, I've decided that until more interesting stuff develops in my relationship with Hitch, I'm not going to blog about it, just because you probably don't want to hear all the confusing details of my scatterbrained thoughts on the issue. What I will blog about, though, is how certain friends are being great right now, just by taking the time to listen to the ramblings going on in my head.

Only a few people (in the so-called real world) know of my decision to remain celibate and my conservative interpretation of the Bible's passages on homosexuality. When Hitch first asked me out on a date, I went to four of these friends for advice. Two were girls, two were guys, two were conservative, two were liberal, and all were Christian. As expected, I got a variety of views, but the one piece of advice that they all agreed on was, "Be honest." It was good advice, because that's exactly what I aim to be.

One of the friends I went to was a guy from my Bible study named Austin. He's a really cool guy. He's very trustworthy and a natural leader, and it was the aura of trust around him that made him one of the first people I came out to when I got to college. Granted, we're not really good friends. We don't have anything in common except for our love of Christ. He's definitely a big, tough guy while I, of course, have admitted to having a little more "sugar in my step." ;-)

Nevertheless, it's easy to talk to him, and he's a great listener. I told him of my concerns, and he asked many questions about what I was looking for in the relationship, what I believed in terms of God's plan for human sexuality, and how I expected to go about reconciling the two. He's conservative and agrees with most of my choices, and he said that I could trust that he wouldn't tell anyone else in the Bible study. My response was that I didn't care who he told.

I have no shame in my struggles, nor do I have shame in my orientation. If my story can help end some of the bigotry and prejudice that, unfortunately, abounds in Evangelical circles, then I don't care if it's shouted from the rooftops. Of course, whenever I express this, I'm always warned that I should be "careful" when it comes to who I talk to. I don't think that should happen. I hold transparency in the highest esteem, and I think it's a shame that most Christians don't.

How can we really share our struggles and the joys that God has blessed us with if we're only advised to "get personal" with one or two people? Can't I be personal with everyone? Can't I tell someone exactly what's going on in my life, even if I don't know them that well? To me, the very bond of being a Christian should mean that there will be automatic trust, concern, and a lack of judgment whenever I share something with other believers. It's a shame that other people don't expect this.

When I'm in some Christian circles, I just get the feeling that everyone is plastic. Sure, they have struggles. But they don't share them. They might have one or two people whom they trust, but otherwise there's this veneer of happiness and joy. No one wears their emotions on their sleeves. That, or they genuinely are that happy all the time. I don't buy that.

Being transparent is hard. There is, of course, a balance that must be found between being open and being polite and appropriate. But some people take politeness to the extreme, to the point where they just seem too perfect. It's almost intimidating. Personally, I've always worn my emotions on my sleeve. I can't really hide or back down or pretend that I'm someone I'm not. If I can be myself around God, why can't I be myself around His Christians? Yes, I understand that lacking an "outer shell" makes my personality seem unstable. I know that in this blog alone I've described myself as shy, ambitious, energetic, mellow, ditsy, and intellectual. It just depends on how I feel at the time. But at least those things are mine, and not something that I've had to build.

What are your thoughts on transparency? How open should we be with other Christians? For bloggers, how open should we be on our blogs? Sometimes I get concerned that I share too much here, but it is an easy place to be oneself. Hope everyone is blessed, and apologies for the rambling, spastic tone of the post. It's a Thursday. :)

This past weekend I went on a Fall Retreat with my college's Campus Crusade. I really enjoy Cru, despite the fact that some of its hiring practices seem very hypocritical to me (it's not the point of the post, so if you want to know what I mean, follow the link and take a guess!) My school's Cru chapter is an amazing group of people, and it's often so wonderfully evident how much God is at work in them. They are Catholic, Pentecostal, Reformed, Methodist, liberal, conservative, emo, punk, preppy--everything! They really put the "universal" in "universal church," you know? I'm not saying this as a means to fawn about diversity on a superficial level. I just think that it's one of the best examples I've ever seen of Galatians 3:28.

Of course, despite its mix of people, Cru is in a lot of ways your standard college ministry. And by that I mean they play a lot of contemporary Christian music at their worship services. I mean a lot. I think I've mentioned before that I'm not a big fan of CCM. I mean, I understand that the old hymns I know and love were once the contemporary songs of their day, but there's just something about modern Christian music that doesn't exactly get me as "fired up" as some old gospel songs sung to bluegrass (which is, incidentally, the music of angels if you didn't know. :-)

Granted, there are many songs that I do like. "Days of Elijah" and "Inside Out" are two of my favorite regular songs they play at Cru, and I always get into much more of a "praise mode" when they start playing. Still, I've noticed that my "praise mode" is very different from that of most of the Christians at Cru. While they worship with their eyes closed and their hands raised, sometimes getting so energized that I would say they're "rocking out," I tend to be very withdrawn when I worship. My hands are folded, my head is down, I sway a bit, and I sing quietly. I'm not saying that my way is better or anything, but I just think it's strange how some people can be so energetic, while I just want to be quiet and still when I think about God.

I think worship brings us in touch with sides of ourselves that we didn't know existed. Some of the most energetic, hyper, and enthusiastic worshippers I know are people who are very quiet and reserved in their day-to-day actions. I, on the other hand, am a very quiet worshipper, but in my day-to-day I'm loud and hyper.

Also, I think that I have other outlets for my natural desires for movement and dance. A lot of the folks at Cru, unfortunately, only listen to praise music. So while I can fulfill my desires for motion or energy by listening to some good old Rolling Stones or... dare I say it? ... Rihanna, they might have been raised thinking that Christian music was really the only proper kind of music, and thus for them it's used for everything from praise to partying. Not saying one way is particularly better than the other, I'm just thinking about the different ways that we find ourselves worshiping the same awesome God.

As I begin my second year at college, I find myself slightly older and wiser than I was as a poor, confused Freshman. Emphasis should be on the world "slightly." It seems that in times of stress, I keep on making the same counter-productive mistakes as I did last year. The only upside is that I'm aware of them now. :-) Here are a few humble observations of my behavior (and the behavior of those around me) when that lovely little subject of stress comes up.

• Professors are knowingly and incontrovertibly in an evil alliance to assign all quizzes, tests, and major papers during the same exact week. This cannot be avoided no matter what professors you pick. Even the ones you thought were cool (because they were younger and perhaps only went by their first name, which was something usually along the lines of "Mark" or "Jenny") are in on this conspiracy.
• The ability to read and comprehend a boring textbook chapter is directly proportional to the comfort level of the furniture being sat on while reading. For example, reading while on a plushy couch or warm bed is a recipe for immediate failure (also known as sleep). For best results, try to procure a bed of nails as the designated "reading chair."
• Daily check-lists are only as good as their makers. For example, leaving certain key assignments off a check-list, while including such items as "Make sure to take a nap," goes against the point.
• Being involved in 500+ student organizations is all well and good, and it certainly will look good on a resume. However, one of the goals of college is surviving to the point where one will be able to actually write a resume. Premature deaths due to heart attacks, strokes, or being buried in paperwork should be avoided at all costs, and the risk of these untimely ends goes up with each extracurricular activity.
• Under no circumstance is the Internet your friend. Even when you're supposed to be doing research, the Internet is not your friend. Sure, you may think you'll be able to just log on to the Oxford English Dictionary website quickly and then get off, but that won't happen. First you'll say that a quick stop to Facebook couldn't hurt, then it will be MySpace, then Yahoo, then AIM, and before you know it you'll end up watching Britney's bad VMA performance for the 20th time on YouTube.

Just some things I've noticed... And yes, I should be doing homework right now.

I like college because it exposes you to a variety of things, and music is definitely one of them. I recently heard this song from Canadian singer-songwriter Feist and I immediately fell in love with it. I like quirky female artists like that; some other examples being Regina Spektor and Tori Amos. The music video is pretty awesome, too. Like I said, I'm flashy. Not that I would ever wear an outfit similar to Feist's, mind you, but I do like the general affect. I promise I'll have something more substantial coming soon! Adios.

Sorry about the blog silence. This past week was crazy. I was not at home at all and I did not have access to a computer. Period. I tell you, you really don't know what you got till it's gone. Here's what was going on.

The scholarship program that is paying most of my college expenses requires that all rising Sophomores take a bus tour of the great state of North Carolina. Each night the 500 scholarship recipients from fourteen NC colleges stay at dorms on a different college campus, and then they tour local school systems (it's a teaching scholarship). Over the week I was at five college campuses, located in areas ranging from the mountains to the coast. I had to wear a suit every day (it was stressed that I could possibly be meeting future employers, and I actually did tour a high school that I fell in love with an might consider once I graduate), but after I arrived at the "college of the day" I got to take off the dress clothes and mingle with the various other students.

While many of the other kids from my school stuck together, I decided to find new friends from other schools. We were encouraged to "network," after all, and if I may say I think I'm pretty good at networking. ;) I enjoy the thrill of meeting new people. I like to talk, I like to listen, I like to interact. I guess I'm a social butterfly. Sometimes I can be quite an awkward butterfly, though. I can rush into social situations and come off "too strong." But oh well, I enjoy it. Reservations never did anybody any good.

Presentation, however, is important, and that's what I want to talk about today. Now there's the standard version of presentation: combed hair, nice clothes, smile, firm handshake, proper English, etc. I can do that easily. I hate it sometimes (mostly the hair and clothes thing; I hate dressing up), but nonetheless I can do it. But then there's Godly presentation. I think it's something that a lot of Christians worry about. Namely, do we always present ourselves in a way that brings glory to God and is good in His sight?

I don't think I did this past week. The trip was like a social pressure-cooker. Out of 500 college-aged kids, I knew about 30, and I only saw about five on a regular basis. I can't tell you how many introductions, how many presentations, I made. Some were good, but some I could have done better on. For example, my usual rule of not calling myself "gay" unless I have time to explain the details went out the window, and pretty early. I had time to mention that I was a conservative and a Christian (and even a Calvinist), but I found the Side B stuff was too cumbersome and controversial to mention. After all, the kids that I usually find myself "clicking" with are of the more liberal/artistic stripe. It leads to awkwardness among friends back home, so among strangers I was less inclined to share it.

I suppose I'm just wondering how to be a better witness. Presenting yourself as a Christian is important, and sometimes it can be hard. I met a very handsome gay student over the week, and (almost instinctively) I turned on my "charm." I'll make a note that he was the one who made it a point to introduce himself to me (how he heard I was gay is still a question. Either someone else told him or his "gaydar" really is that good). But either way, until I found out he had a boyfriend back home, I presented myself as an available gay student.

I think I did it because it was a "safe" situation. He goes to another school, we were only going to see each other for a few more days, and flirting with him was fun. I mean, I just turned 19. I'm young, I'm moderately good looking (those who have seen complete pictures of me can debate the truth of that), and looking back, the extent of our "flirting" was playing Ultimate Frisbee and sitting next to each other during a group conversation in someone's dorm room. That and a hug. Maybe it wasn't even flirting at all. Maybe it was just two similar people coming together in a very random social situation.

I am proud of one way I presented myself, though. When the guy in question started talking about his opposition to religion (not uncommon among gay men), I spoke up about my beliefs. Not my Side B beliefs, mind you, but I did say that I was a Christian, that I was devout, and I think I sad something along the lines of "we're not all bad." Maybe it will amount to something. I hope it does. Anyway, he said we'd keep in touch. I doubt anything more will happen between us, but I am concerned about how I'm going to present myself to future gay men who might take an interest in me.

How far do I let the relationship go before I shut it down? How do I become friends with them when our ideologies are going to be very different? How do I witness to them without driving them away? When it comes to gay and lesbian friends, how can I be anything other than happy for them when they get boyfriends or girlfriends? I mean, I know the pain that the mere prospect of lifelong celibacy can cause. How can I rightfully ask it of anyone else? Am I even required to? I've always said that my Side B ethics are "personal." I don't ask it of anyone else, but I do ask people to examine the Bible and what they feel God is calling them to do. Because it is a calling, just as salvation is a calling. But like salvation, after you've answered the call, there are a lot of little nasty details to work out. I guess I better get started. It's not all about presentation anymore. This has to come from within me.

On a side note, I would like to ask for prayers for a friend of mine. She and her mother are going through financial difficulty. Her mother is working two low-paying jobs in order to help put her through community college. She barely has enough money to fix the car that she needs to get to class. She's not a strong Christian (she hasn't been to church in years), but she's an amazing person and I want the best for her. Pray that she'll be able to make it to school, get good grades, and forge a better life for herself. Pray that for the millions of people in similar situations.